


Take Me Home And Show Me The Sun

by orphan_account



Series: It's Hard to Tell the Difference Between Blood and Water These Days [4]
Category: Christian Bible, Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, John Cena - Fandom, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Pepe the Frog - Fandom, Salad Fingers, Twenty One Pilots, WWE
Genre: Attempted Cannibalism, Attempted Deep-Frying, Attempted Murder, Blood, Blood Kink, Blood Loss, Broken Bones, Broken Hearts, Cannibalism, Choking, Confusion, Corpses, Dead People, Death, Empty the Spit Valve, Family Secrets, Fisting, Flashbacks, Gen, Ghosts, Giant Ovens, Graphic Description of Corpses, Grief/Mourning, Humans, Loss of Limbs, Memes, Mental Instability, Murder, Orgy, Ouija, Possessed Corpses, Possession, Possession of a Corpse, Possessive Behavior, Possibly Possessed, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Religious Content, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Religious Smut, Secret Identity, Sharpened Bones of Brendon Urie, Slut Shaming!Lucifer, Stabbing, Stalking, Strangulation, Supernatural Elements, Threesome, Trumpet Dildo, Unresolved Emotional Tension, bones - Freeform, broken elevators, gay cannibals, tunnels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-04-24 14:10:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 16,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4922641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler and Josh are almost home, and they've picked up some new friends along the way.  When a sleep-over goes sour, they find themselves stuck in the middle of one of the biggest mysteries they've ever encountered.  Join Tyler, Josh, and all their friends as they fight to find answers in the final installment of this epic trilogy.</p><p>

<em> "Be the one, be the one to take me home and show me the sun." </em> - 'Hometown' by twenty one pilots</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> what the actual *potato*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's the third day of halloween asdfghjkl
> 
>  
> 
> so, funny story:
> 
>  
> 
> _it was the first day of halloween. i wanted to do something spooky. "what is a spooky thing?" i thought. "aha!" i said. "a spooky thing is supernatural. i will start watching supernatural." i googled it. i clicked on a random website. all of a sudden, a blue screen appeared. "you have a virus. you have a virus," it began saying. i went to the paternal unit and asked if he could help, seeing as the paternal unit works in IT. he yelled at me for roughly two hours, searched my backpack for drugs, and looked through nearly all of my text messages. last night, he gave me my laptop back and said there had not been a virus, and the screen that popped up had been a virus attempting to get into the laptop. the paternal unit may be guns n' roses and nirvana trash, but he is also mildly horrific, and he will go down with country music and weird al (i despise contry music and weird al). ___
> 
> so basically i almost wasn't able to post this but i was and honestly think about this okay
> 
>  
> 
> it's bc of the halloween spirits you guys
> 
>  
> 
> _  
> ___  
>   
> 

_[Josh opened his eyes and gasped. They were no longer in a forest. They were in a house. A cottage. And, sitting in the corner of the cottage sat a shriveled creature, smiling as they pointed at Patrick’s bloody stump. “You… like it when the red water comes out? Oh, what fun… I do, too… we’ll all be the best of friends, I should think…”]_

 _ _Josh stared at the creature for a moment. Nobody said anything. Then, the silence was broken by Joe.__

 _ _“Oh, um, yes. He loves it when the red water comes out, sir. If you’ll excuse us, we’ll just be headed home now.”__

 _ _

“Oh, no… please… please stay… Salad Fingers doesn’t want to be alone… alone… a…loooone… doesn’t want… please…”

Joe motioned for them all to follow him as he crept to the door.

“No... stay, please… my friends… we can… have a sleepover, perhaps… such fun…”

Josh looked at Joe. “They seem so sad, Joe; look at them! We can’t just leave them!”

Joe shook his head. “Josh,” he whispered, “this guy is-“

“How long do you think you’ll all be… staying… then?”

Joe shook his head. “About five seconds, sir; we really need to leave-“

“Nonsense… wouldn’t you like to… have a tea party… play hide-and-go-seek… or something else like that?”

Joe said nothing.

“If you leave… perhaps, I… I should have to come fetch you… bring you all back here…”

Joe pointed to a spot above the creature- Salad Fingers, apparently- and said, “Look, Mr. Fingers, it’s a bird!”

Salad Fingers turned around. Joe grabbed Patrick’s arm, and Patrick grabbed Josh’s hand, and Josh grabbed Tyler’s hand, and Tyler grabbed Mikey’s hand, and Mikey grabbed Gerard’s hand, and Gerard grabbed Frank’s hand, and Frank grabbed Ryan’s hand, and Ryan grabbed Spencer’s hand, and Spencer grabbed Dallon’s hand, and Dallon grabbed Jon's hand. Joe pushed open the door, and they all took off running.

_

_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the president of the gsa at my school called me his/her grandchild and a tiny cinnamon roll all hail the gsa president my new grandparent also this other dude from gsa always says hi to me in the halls and i cry bc it makes me so happy 
> 
> and i have like four really nice friends in the gsa. do you remember the kids i wrote the banana fic for? those friends are in the gsa and they're all so lovely and there's one kid and i caught him reading kellic fanfiction during one meeting and same same same and another one of the friends is political trash and another of her friends is also political trash and they always chant the lyrics to this one alexander hamilton musical and i cry bc how the *potato* get this lucky i'm literally getting an A in history class and i've never been this happy in my life
> 
> and at lunch a group of older kids invited me to sit with them and they're all star wars trash and they're into bands and stuff and they call me their friend and i cry more bc very very happy
> 
> the halloween spirits have praised their smol child :')


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> poop sorry i forgot to update yesterday

Josh ran as fast as he could. He’d never run this fast in his entire life.

Then again, Josh rarely ran. Exercise was overrated. Sure, he was a little chubby, but it wasn’t a big risk to his health.

The ground blurred beneath Josh’s feet. The only thing he could see was Patrick’s hand clenched so tightly around his that Patrick’s knuckles had turned white.

Make that Patrick’s whole hand. Along with his neck, and his face, and basically his whole body. Everything was nearly pure white.

Josh looked down and saw a long stream of red. All of a sudden, Patrick fell over.

“*potato*!” Joe shouted. He ran to Patrick and took off his shirt, which he began wrapping around Patrick’s bleeding stump. “You guys- go, I’ll catch up, it’s- it’s good, we’re fine-“

“No,” Ryan said quietly. 

“What? No, no, you guys have to go, okay? Go!”

“We’re not leaving you guys alone, Joe.”

Joe tied his shirt into a knot and sat back on his heels, staring at Patrick’s unconscious and very pale form.

“What if he dies?” Joe whispered softly.

“He’s not gonna die, Joe.”

“It’s my fault. I bit his hand off, and I *potato*ing sucked on it, too, ‘cause I thought it’d be kinky or some *potato*, but… it…”

All of a sudden, someone tackled Josh to the ground. 

“Why… did you all leave me… my friends? I thought… you’d like to stay the night?”

*potato*. It was Salad Fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shall we kill someone? 
> 
> i'm not saying i will... but i'm not saying i won't...
> 
> spencer, jon, ryan, dallon, joe, patrick, gerard, mikey, frank
> 
> let me know who should stay alive
> 
> each user gets one vote per chapter
> 
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so. i heard rumors about twenty one pilots being racist/homophobic/or something like that. they probably aren't true (at least, i really hope not), but until i find proof that they aren't true, i've decided to switch the P.O.V. to frank iero's. fear not, though, i promise you all that i will not kill tyler or josh. the story will end in josh's P.O.V., just like how it began. 
> 
> also just so you guys know even if i do kill someone there's a good chance that i'll end up resurrecting them somehow so don't freak out if your favorite character dies

(P.O.V. CHANGE- READ NOTES AT START OF CHAPTER IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY)

“Oh, *potato*, please, no-“ Josh whispered.

Salad Fingers stood up and held out a knife. He pushed a button on the handle, and they were all plunged into darkness.

“Did you… want to play… freeze tag in the dark?”

“*potato*,” Frank whispered.

“Oh,” Frank heard Gerard say. “Yeah, yeah. Freeze tag.”

“Yeah, and, uh, maybe we’ll all hide first, as a team, and you can close your eyes and then find us,” Frank heard Mikey say.

“Silly friends… I already counted…”

“Oh,” Frank whispered.

“Ready or not… here I come… ha…”

Frank grabbed Mikey and Gerard’s wrists and started running. He heard the others screaming, but he couldn’t see them, so it would be no use to try to save them. Right now, he had to focus on saving his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s little brother. 

“*potato*!”  
“Run!”  
“Where the *potato* is Patrick?”

“Frank,” Gerard panted, “what about the others?”

“We can’t,” Frank said. “We- oh!”

Frank had stepped on something squishy and wet. "What the *potato*?"

“Please don’t hurt me,” Frank heard Patrick whisper.

So, Patrick was awake. Frank picked Patrick up and sat him on his back. “There, Gerard,” he said. “We saved one of the others, right?”

“Yeah, but Patrick’s gonna die anyway, at this rate,” Mikey said.

Frank shook his head and started jogging again. “Probably not,” he said. “Also, is it just me, or does this ground feel funny?”

“I… yeah, it does feel weird, I gue-“

There was no more ground beneath Frank’s feet. 

He fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> less people will die in this fic than most others, but bad things are still going to happen, so let me know who to have mercy on:
> 
> tyler, josh, dallon, ryan, spencer, jon, frank, mikey, gerard, patrick, or joe
> 
> one vote per user per chapter


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you guys, i'm really liking the whole frank-pov thing. i might keep this going for a while.

Frank groaned. He’d fallen on his back, on something squishy and wet- oh. 

Frank rolled over and looked at Patrick, who was sprawled out on the ground right where he’d fallen.

“Sorry, dude,” Frank said. He put Patrick on his back again and straightened up, brushing dust off of his jeans. “Where’d Gerard and Mikey go, then?”

“Frank?” came a voice from behind Frank. “Is that you?”

“Gerard?”

“Yeah.”

Frank walked over and put his hands out in front of him. They collided with something sharp. “*potato*!” Frank shouted.

“Sorry,” came Mikey’s voice. “I’ve been told that my cheekbones are very sharp.”

“No kidding, Mikey.” Frank’s eyes had begun adjusting to the darkness, and he could see Gerard and Mikey’s outlines now. “Where are we?”

“Under the ground, I think,” said Gerard.

“Well, yeah, but where?”

“I don’t know, maybe-“

Frank fell silent when he heard a loud thud. He grabbed Gerard and pushed him behind him.

“Ow. Ow, that’s hard. Wow. Uh, yeah, so. You know. I, uh. Yeah. Hey, uh, is, uh, anybody else, uh, here?”

Frank sighed in relief. It was only Ryan. “Yeah,” he said. “Frank, Gerard, Mikey, and Patrick.”

Ryan turned around. “Oh,” he said. “Cool.”

“What happened to everyone else?”

“They ran off in a different direction, I think.”

Frank nodded. 

Mikey slowly raised his hand from where he stood, behind Gerard. “Should we see where that tunnel goes?” He pointed in front of them.

Frank turned to look where Mikey was pointing. Sure enough, there was a tunnel.

“Should we? Guys?”

Frank nodded and walked over to the tunnel. “Yeah, let’s… let’s see where it goes, I guess.”

They walked into the tunnel. It was probably a trap, Frank thought, but at this point, what did he care? 

What did anyone care?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not many people will die, necessarily, but bad stuff will still happen to people, so vote for whoever you want bad stuff to NOT happen to. basically, vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> tyler, josh, dallon, ryan, spencer, jon, frank, mikey, gerard, patrick, or joe
> 
> one vote per user per chapter
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters. like, you could give 0.4 of your vote to mikey and 0.6 to gerard, or .1 to frank and 0.2 to mikey and 0.64 to tyler and 0.06 to patrick. you could even do 0.99 to joe and 0.01 to dallon or just 0.09 to everyone. do whatever, as long as it adds up to 1)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it turns out that twenty one pilots isn't problematic :') i cry icr y halle luja h
> 
> god bless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anybody's going to the top (pretend there's a slash in the 'o' bc i don't know how to put one on there) concert in saint louis, missouri, usa on halloween, let me know
> 
> i'll be there
> 
> yaaaaaay
> 
> i'm trying to convince my mom to let me wear my teletubby costume there, so watch out for tinky-winky

[BACK IN JOSH’S POV BC TWENTY ONE PILOTS TURNED OUT TO NOT BE PROBLEMATIC :’) THANK THE JESUS]  
Josh ran as fast as he could. Salad Fingers wasn’t going to catch him or Tyler. Nope.

“Guys,” Dallon panted, “slow down!”

Tyler looked at Dallon, who’d managed to catch up with them. “You can speed up,” he said. “We can’t slow down.”

Dallon grunted in agreement. “Where’s everyone else?”

“We can’t worry about them right now,” Josh said. “We’ve got to get ourselves out, so we can get help and save the others.”

Dallon laughed coldly. “Face it, Josh,” he said. “We’re never getting out alive.”

“Well-“

“There are no ‘Well-’s to it. Face it.”

Josh stopped running and tried to catch his breath. “I guess,” he said.

“Guys, come on! We have to try, at least!” Tyler said. He walked a little farther in front of them. “Come on, we can do it if we-“

Tyler was gone. Josh looked around. “Tyler?” he called. 

Dallon started walking towards where Tyler had disappeared. He beckoned for Josh to follow. “I think,” Dallon said, “he probably fell down a hole- oh!”

The ground wasn’t there anymore, and Josh and Dallon began falling.

and then they all had sex, the end, no more sequels, fallen humans like fallen angels except humans except not bc they're corpses now haha XD yayayayayyayay i'm so tiured hey does anybody know wif it's legal to check yourself into an asylum or should i not to that aybe i wont' in other news supernatural is forty five dollars on amazzon prime i cri i cri :'( ahahsfh yyayayyaayayyyaaaaayyyyyy sex swex sex i'm tired and sick and really happy for no reason mybe i'm on a period idk an it kinda feels like psm is that even the acronym, i think it ifs okay okay bad spelling hands are tired today spelling is good now psm is that the acronym it's like that hot n cold song i psm like a girl in a dress 'cause you're hot n you're cold you're yes n you're no waIT no no it's pms pms maybe that's what this is period mood swings jk jk it stands for post menstrueatasdfghjlting syndrome or something so basically it means the blood wants to come out of my vagina but it's gotta make me hormones go nuts for a while in order to do that WHAT IF MY PERIOD COMES ON HALLOWEEN THAT'S WHEN I HAVE MY TWENTY ONE PILOTS CONCERT AHHHHHH btw if anyone's going to the twenty one pilots concert on halloween in st louis hmu fam let's meet up or some *potato* 's okay i'm not a stalker creepy man or anything i love potatoes and cheese macaroni i'm not usually like this it's just today i'm tired and sick and mood swings and cry cry cry :) wAIT I SHOULD HAVE PUT THIS IN END NOTES AW SCREW IT I'M NOT GONNA COPY PASTE Y'ALL FGONNA BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT Y'ALL GOt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not many people will die, necessarily, but bad stuff will still happen to people, so vote for whoever you want bad stuff to NOT happen to. basically, vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> tyler/josh, gerard/mikey, frank, ryan, patrick/spencer, dallon/jon/joe
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. a slash indicates that the characters are tied. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to 1)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the last chapter was pretty short, so here's another

(back in frank pov bc switching around is fun)

Frank, Gerard, Mikey, Ryan, and Patrick had been walking for at least an hour, Frank guessed, when they reached a fork in the tunnel. They all stopped. 

“Which way?” Gerard asked.

Frank shrugged. “Should we go, uh…”

Ryan coughed. “When nothing goes right, go left,” he said.

Frank rolled his eyes. “Fine, Ryan. Maybe some of your poetic *potato* will be of use, huh?”

Frank adjusted Patrick on his back. “Does anyone else want to carry him?”

Mikey stared down at Frank. “Frank…”

“We can’t just leave him, Mikey!”

“Well…”

“You- you want to just desert him?”

Gerard lifted Patrick off of Frank’s back. “He’s not going to be offended. He won’t even remember that we deserted him. He’s probably just going to die, Frank.”

“But-“

“Frank, come on. Look, we’ll leave a note, okay?”

Frank sighed, but he nodded. Gerard had a point. He watched Gerard gently lay Patrick on the ground, in the middle of the two pathways. He then stood up.

“It’ll be okay, Frank,” Gerard said. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, but- Ryan, what the *potato*?”

Ryan shrugged from his position on the floor, where he had been tracing letters in Patrick’s blood on Patrick’s arm.

‘had to leave him. please don’t kill. –r, g, f, m’

Ryan patted Patrick’s unconscious and limp body and then stood up. “Left,” he said.

They went left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not many people will die, necessarily, but bad stuff will still happen to people, so vote for whoever you want bad stuff to NOT happen to. basically, vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> tyler/josh, gerard/mikey, frank, ryan, patrick/spencer, dallon/jon/joe
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. a slash indicates that the characters are tied. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to 1)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's ten thirty i'm so tired my sleeping schedule is so messed up i get sleep deprived as soon as it's past ten i just want to sleep but dang it homework also my dad is yelling at me to go to bed goodnight tiny beans

[back in josh pov]

“Josh?”

Josh opened his eyes and saw Tyler staring at him. 

“Are you okay?”

“We fell down a hole.”

“Yeah, we did-”

“Tyler, I think I’m falling for you.”

Tyler laughed and slapped Josh on the shoulder. “Come on,” he said. “Get up. We’re going to try to find an exit.”

Tyler helped Josh up. “Where’d Spencer go?” Josh asked. 

“He’s over there,” said Tyler, pointing to the entrance to a tunnel. “We’re going in the tunnel.”

Josh nodded. “Cool,” he said. He followed Tyler and Spencer into the tunnel.

The tunnel was dark and moist. Josh didn’t like it very much. Then again, he didn’t like anything in his life very much right now. He did like Tyler, though. He had to admit that. 

“Are we just going to go until we see something, then?” Spencer asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Tyler said.

Josh doubled his steps to catch up with Tyler. He slipped his hand in Tyler’s. Tyler squeezed his hand, and they kept walking, Spencer a few feet in front of them.

“Do you think we’re ever going to go back home?” Josh asked Tyler.

“I don’t know,” Tyler said.

“Oh.”

“Hey, even if we never do, at least we’ll be together, right?”

“I guess.”

Tyler stopped and squeeze Josh’s hand again. “Hey,” he said, “home is where the heart is, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, well, my heart is with you, so as long as you’re with me, I’m always home. As long as we’re together, right?”

Josh grinned. “Yeah,” he said. “I-“

Josh was cut off by Spencer. “Guys, we’re going until we see something, right?”

Tyler sighed and started walking to Spencer, who had stopped in the middle of the tunnel. “Yes,” he said. “Keep going, Spencer.”

“No, I mean, I found something.”

Josh raised his eyebrows and walked faster. What had Spencer found? As he and Tyler grew nearer to Spencer, Josh saw a forked pathway. There was a left path and a right one.

“Go right,” Tyler called.

Spencer shook his head. “No,” he said, “I mean, there’s something here! It’s Patrick, I think!”

Josh caught up with Spencer and gasped. Patrick was laying in the middle of the three pathways- his current one, the left one, and the right one- and there was a message written on Patrick’s left arm, which was pointing to the path on the left. 

‘had to leave him. please don’t kill. –r, g, f, m’

Spencer frowned and picked Patrick up. “You still alive, man?”

Patrick groaned. 

“Cool,” Spencer said. He nodded at Tyler and Josh. “That was Ryan’s writing,” Spencer said. “I know his writing.”

“Which way do we go?” Tyler asked. “Right?”

Josh shook his head. “Patrick’s hand was pointing left.”

“Left?”

“Left.”

“Then we’ll go left.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not many people will die, necessarily, but bad stuff will still happen to people, so vote for whoever you want bad stuff to NOT happen to. basically, vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> tyler/josh, gerard/mikey, frank, ryan, patrick/spencer, dallon/jon/joe
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. a slash indicates that the characters are tied. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to 1)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smh these chapters are so short

As they went down the path, Josh noticed that it seemed to be getting colder and colder. This probably meant that they were going farther underground. He shivered and walked closer to Tyler. 

“Cold?”

“Yeah,” Josh said. “kind of.”

Tyler nodded. He took off his t-shirt and handed it to Josh.

“Tyler, you don’t have another shirt-“

“Put it on,” Tyler said. “I’m not cold.”

“Are you sure?” Josh asked as he put the shirt over his own.

“Haven’t you noticed how hot I already am?” Tyler asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Josh laughed. “Stop it, Tyler,” he said. “This is serious business.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right. So, who do you think G, F, and M are? You know, from the note on Patrick’s arm?”

Josh shrugged.

“Hey, Patrick!” Tyler called.

Patrick groaned again.

“Where’d everyone else go? Who’s ‘g, f, m’?”

Silence.

Josh coughed. “R was Ryan, so maybe g, f, and m are some of the others.”

“Probably,” Spencer said. “So, who do we know would always stick together?”

“Mikey and Gerard.”

“Right. And Frank’s always with Gerard, so M is Mikey, and G is Gerard, and F is Frank. They’re probably all up this path somewhere. Hey, Patrick, is that right? Groan if it’s right.”

Patrick made no sound.

“Uh… I meant, don’t make any noise if it’s right.”

Patrick made no sound again.

“See?” Spencer said, gesturing towards Patrick, who was slumped in his arms. “They’re what’s left of My Chemical Romance, along with Ryan.”

“So, where are Dallon, Jon, and Joe?” Tyler asked.

Spencer shrugged. “We’ll worry about them later. Now, we should focus on making sure Patrick doesn’t die and finding Frank, Gerard, Mikey, and Ryan. They’re probably-“

All of a sudden, someone fell through the tunnel’s ceiling and landed directly in front of Spencer. Josh and Tyler ran forward and saw that the person was Dallon Weekes.

Then, Jon Walker fell on top of Dallon.

Dallon lifted his head and looked up at them all, his eyes the size of the moon.

“Jon’s dead,” he whispered. “Joe’s gone missing.”

Tyler swallowed. “Well,” he said, “are you okay-“

“No.” Dallon then said something else, but his voice had gotten so quiet, none of them could decipher what he’d said. 

Josh leaned down next to him. “Sorry,” he said. “didn’t quite catch that last bit-“

“Salad Fingers is coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not many people will die, necessarily, but bad stuff will still happen to people, so vote for whoever you want bad stuff to NOT happen to. basically, vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> tyler/josh, gerard/mikey, frank, ryan, patrick/spencer, dallon/joe
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. a slash indicates that the characters are currently tied. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to 1)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes don't you just love life 
> 
> my mom looked through my room and read a bunch of personal stuff i'd written while on my period last year and now she's making me talk to a school counselor
> 
> i just :) love :) my mother :)
> 
> i'm literally ditching this family as soon as i get to college. i've written this twenty-page long thing explaining my life and why i can't stand them and coming out as aromantic/asexual/nonbinary, and i'm going to leave it under their pillows so they won't see it until i'm six or more hours away. after that, the only things they'll be getting will be cards for literally every holiday with me and my two adopted babies, Spaghetti "Eddie" Killjoy and Lasagna "Anya" Youngblood [names are still being determined] and it'll just have pictures of the three of us all coordinating with cosplays or pajamas or halloween costumes, and the cards will be handwritten saying, "dear family, hello. surprise, you have grandbabies now. yes, they're named after pastas. don't judge. don't write back; i'll write to you again later. -Brooke Elliott, Spaghetti Killjoy, and Papita Youngblood" and then there'll be a separate envelope addressed to my little brother saying "YOOOO fam hi hey guess what you're the only one i tolerated i think you're pretty chill also y'all looked fire in that pink bandanna you wore that one time so maybe wear that again??? also hey the kids say hi they love you a lot here's ten billion pictures they drew for you fam"

“Salad Fingers is coming?” Josh asked. God, no. He thought they’d lost Salad Fingers. *potato*.

“Yeah,” Dallon said. “Run! Go! We need to go!”

Josh grabbed Dallon’s hand and pulled him up. He nodded at Tyler and Spencer. “Keep going,” he said.

They all began running down the hallway. “So, Dallon, uh, what’s going on with Salad Fingers?” Spencer asked as they ran.

“Well, you guys kind of just deserted us-“

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine; I would’ve done the same thing. Anyway, Salad Fingers started running after Jon, Joe, and I, and Joe was like, ‘*potato*!’ and he ran off somewhere. Then, Salad Fingers was just running after Jon and I, and I tried telling Jon to hurry up, but Jon was never a very fast guy, not even in bed- trust me, I know- so he fell behind, right? Yeah, well, all of a sudden, Salad Fingers pulled out a pineapple and threw it at Jon. It hit Jon’s chest, and he fell over, so I tried to go help him up- but when I went to help him up-“

“He was dead?”

“Yeah… I- I mean, I kind of freaked out, and Salad Fingers grabbed him and threw him at the ground, and he fell through it, which was crazy. I wasn’t about to let him kill me with a pineapple, too, so I jumped on the ground as hard as I could, and I fell through.”

“That’s when we saw you guys?” Spencer asked.

“Yeah,” Dallon said, breathing heavily. “Yeah.”

Josh zoned out of the conversation and looked at the walls as they ran. Someone- or something- had written messages on them in what appeared to be blood.

“DYNASTY DECAPITATED”

Huh. Those were strange. As Josh ran, he noticed that there was a small oval, also in blood, inside each of the hole in every A. It was like when schoolgirls insisted on coloring in all of the holes in their letters. Well, not just schoolgirls… Josh had to admit that he, too, had colored in his share of letter holes. Usually, Josh only did the A-holes. Coloring in holes was gender-neutral, he decided.

“Josh!” Tyler shouted.

Josh snapped his head towards Tyler, his thoughts having been interrupted. “Yeah?”

“There’s a door up ahead,” Dallon said.

Josh looked ahead. Dallon and Tyler had been right. There was a door about twenty feet away. It was metal and opaque, and Josh almost feared what could be inside of it.

He stopped in front of the door with Spencer, Patrick, Tyler, and Dallon.

“Are we going in there?” Josh asked. 

“Yep,” Dallon said.

Josh swallowed with a nod. He grabbed the door handle and tried to turn it. Maybe it would be locked. Maybe it wouldn’t open. He felt a pang of guilt as he realized just how badly he wished it was locked.

There was a soft clicking noise as the handle turned. Josh held back a groan and looked behind his shoulder at everyone else. “Should I open it?” he asked, still hoping they’d tell him not to. This door gave him a bad feeling.

Tyler nodded. “It’s okay, Josh,” he said. “We’re all going in there. You won’t be-”

“*potato*!” Spencer shouted, dropping to the ground and starting to take off his shirt. “Patrick’s been bleeding a whole trail behind us!”

Josh knelt down next to Spencer. “Huh?”

“It started bleeding again,” Spencer said. “Quick, take off your socks. Everyone.”

Josh blinked in confusion before slowly removing his shoes and socks, handing the socks to Spencer and putting the shoes back on. Dallon and Tyler did the same.

“I don’t even know how to first aid,” Spencer mumbled as he balled up his shirt and smashed it against Patrick’s stump, then beginning to put the socks over it in order from shortest to longest. “Where are Gerard and Mikey? They’d know, right? With Frank injuring them on accident practically every night, dang it-“

“Spencer,” Josh said, “maybe we should just leave him here. He’s going to get infected anyway, or-“

Spencer shook his head. “No,” he said. “I’ve been ditched by my friend- or someone I thought was my friend- before. I’m not doing that to Patrick. He’s nice-“

All of a sudden, Patrick’s eyes shot open, and he sat straight up, grabbing Josh’s face and leaning so his mouth was millimeters away from Josh’s ear.

“Salad Fingers is coming.”

With that, Patrick fell back into Spencer’s arms, his eyes closing again. Spencer looked at Josh.

“Did he… did he say something?”

“Yeah,” Josh said. “He said… he said Salad Fingers was coming-“

“Guys, look out!” Tyler screamed, pointing behind Josh, Spencer, and Patrick at the other end of the hallway. Salad Fingers was running towards them.

Spencer looked up at Josh. “*potato*ing trail,” he said. “The trail of blood. *potato*, *potato*- we gotta go in the door, open it, someone-“

Dallon ran to the door, turned the knob, and thrust it open. 

Josh took a deep breath. Well, if whatever was behind the door really was something worth fearing…

He’d find out soon enough, he supposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not many people will die, necessarily, but bad stuff will still happen to people, so vote for whoever you want bad stuff to NOT happen to. basically, vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> tyler, josh, gerard, mikey, frank, ryan, patrick, spencer, dallon, joe
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to 1)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heeey guys
> 
> things have changed a bit?
> 
> i change my user?
> 
> thedarksnottakingprisonerstonight is now just one of my pseuds?
> 
> idk i just kind of wanted a shorter name so people don't have to spend so much time typing it in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back
> 
> back again
> 
> paula deen's back, along with a possible supernatural or extraterrestrial creature
> 
> tell a friend

Josh, Tyler, Spencer, Patrick, and Dallon ran into the room. Dallon rushed to bolt the lock shut. 

The room was dark. It took a while for Josh’s eyes to adjust, but when they did, he couldn’t stop the smile from forming on his face.

Gerard, Mikey, and Ryan were sitting in the corner, frowning back at Josh, Tyler, Dallon, and Spencer.

The smile disappeared from Josh’s face as he noticed that Gerard and Mikey were silently crying.

“What… what happened?” Josh asked softly.

Ryan shook his head. “Frank,” he said.

“Oh,” Josh said, not sure what to say. He wasn’t very good at comforting people. Actually, he was pretty terrible at it.

Ryan looked past Josh at Spencer, who held Patrick.

“Is he okay?”

Spencer hesitated before nodding. “Yeah,” he said.

“But-“ Tyler started to say.

“He’s fine,” Spencer said, walking past Tyler and joining Ryan. Dallon walked over to join the two, and then, they all began talking about something too quiet for Josh to hear.

Josh sighed, looking over at the Way brothers. Maybe he couldn’t speak very well, but he could do other stuff, right?

He walked over and enveloped them into a hug.

“Dead,” Gerard choked out. “Gone. Frankie.”

Mikey ducked out of Josh’s arms and looked around, a terrified look on his face. “Paula D- Paula- Paula Deen-“

Mikey fell silent sat on the ground, mouthing words nobody could hear.

Tyler walked over and sat cross-legged next to Mikey. He patted the spot next to him, and Josh and Gerard sat down, as well, forming a circle.

“Do you guys wanna talk about it?” Tyler asked.

“Paula Deen’s here,” Gerard whispered. “We were running… there was a… I… she just came from behind, and then… she ate him.”

“Hey, that’s okay. It’s okay now. Where is she?”

Gerard looked at Tyler, horrified. “She’s beneath that tarp,” he said.

“Oh- no, Gerard, she’s gone, okay? Hey, it’s okay. Which way did she go-“

“No, no, no- she’s under the tarp-“

Mikey sobbed more heavily now. Josh nodded and stood up, looking around. Sure enough, there was a tarp in the corner of the room. He walked over and pointed to it.

Gerard nodded, his face frozen in fear. 

Josh sighed and lifted up the tarp, promptly screaming once he saw what was underneath. Dallon, Ryan, and Spencer all turned to stare at Josh and the tarp. Mikey howled while Gerard screamed, “Didn’t do it! Didn’t do it!” and Ryan shuddered, saying, “Put it back, put it back, put it back-“ 

Underneath the tarp was Paula Deen, who lay still and unhealthily pale. There was no blood on her skin, except for her chest, which read, “DYNASTY DECAPITATED.” There was a small, red thumbprint in each of the As. It was just like on the wall. Blue bruises dotted her neck.

Josh dropped the tarp back over her and shuddered. 

Ryan slowly stood up. “She, uh. We were walking, and we came in here, and Frank was closing the door when she tackled him and started eating him-“

Mikey gave a loud sob into Gerard’s shoulder, who was staring at Ryan as tears fell from his eyes.

“-and then, just as she finished him whole, we all fell over, like someone had pushed us, and we couldn’t get up, and the lights went out, and by the time we got back up and could see, she was laying there… with blood all over… and the tarp fell on top of her, and the door shut…”

“So, you’re saying… there was a ghost or… something…” Tyler whispered.

Ryan nodded and sat back down, resuming his whispering with Dallon and Spencer.

Josh walked back to Tyler, Gerard, and Mikey. He stared at them all.

All of a sudden, a soft voice was heard from Ryan, Dallon, and Spencer’s side of the room.

“Where’d Joe go?”

Everyone turned towards the voice. Patrick was sitting up in the center of the room, looking around with a dazed look on his face.

Spencer coughed. “Uh,” he said, “Joe, uh… I don’t really know…”

“Is he dead?”

“He- he might be-“

“Do you know for sure?”

Spencer shook his head. “Patrick-“

“He is dead,” Patrick said as a tear slid down his cheek.

“We don’t know-“

“I know. I know it.” With that, Patrick curled up on the floor and closed his eyes, falling asleep.

Spencer reached over and placed his fingers on Patrick’s neck. “No pulse,” he said.

Patrick opened his eyes again. “That’s because you do not know where to look,” he said.

Spencer raised his eyebrows and shuffled backwards.

Josh looked at Tyler. “This is weird,” Tyler whispered.

Tyler was right. Mikey was clutching Tyler in hysterics, Gerard was staring unresponsively at the wall, Patrick was- whatever he was, Ryan and Frank and Dallon were being rather secretive about something, and Josh was just sitting in the midst of it all.

Not to mention the fact that Paula Deen was *potato*ing dead under a tarp, and there might be a ghost in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not many people will die, necessarily, but bad stuff will still happen to people, so vote for whoever you want bad stuff to NOT happen to. basically, vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> tyler, josh, gerard, mikey, frank, ryan, patrick, spencer, dallon, joe
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to 1)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry about not posting anything else this weekend. i'm coming out of one of my writer's block funks. i get them really bad every now and then, and when i have them, it's like, "dude, everything i write is awful. just awful. people expect great stuff from me, and i give them possessive behavior and fluff. i'm awful. i'm incapable of writing. this isn't any good." 
> 
> but i went to my first twenty one pilots concert tonight, and i think it really made me realize that i actually am pretty decent at this. my plots are weird, but i actually really like my writing style. i don't know. anyway, sorry for only one chapter this weekend, but. you know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys
> 
> it's the three-month anniversary of me having this account
> 
> :')

Josh looked to Tyler for help. 

“Alright,” Tyler said. “Okay. It’s okay. It’s all good in the hood, guys. We are all going to be a-okay. This is cool. I am cool as a cucumber. Why do people say that? Cucumbers aren’t even good cold. They’re better at room temperature. Man, I could go for a cucumber right now. Anyway, yeah, we’re all good, guys. Right?”

Everyone stared at Tyler. 

“Maybe not, but mostly, we are. Well- okay, no, we’re very much not alright, but let’s at least pretend we are, okay? Okay, so, yeah, we’re alright. We need to get out of here. Does anybody know how to tell if Salad Fingers is still outside?”

“We can’t,” Ryan said. 

“Oh, well, uh, that’s okay. That’s okay. We’ll just find another way out.”

Mikey lifted his head up and whispered, “We should see if the ghost can help. I know how to use a Ouija board.”

“Who the *potato* taught you how to do that?” Gerard asked, snapping out of his funk. “You can’t just go around using Ouija boards, Mikey! You’ll get possessed, or something! Who taught you how?”

Mikey froze. “G- uh, it was, uh… Eric, and Nate, and Victoria, and Asher, and… Gabe… but… but Gabe’s… Gabe’s…” He burst into tears and pointed at the tarp Paula Deen was under. “Gabe,” he whispered before burying his head in Tyler’s shoulder again.

Gerard looked at Tyler. “He’s gonna *potato*ing get possessed! My little brother! He’s vulnerable, Tyler! My brother!”

Mikey looked up at Gerard. “I didn’t mean- I- we wanted to talk to- to- Pete… but Pete was… dead!” He resumed sobbing again. “They’re all dead, Gee!”

Gerard shook his head. “Well, we’re not using ghosts to get out. No. We still need to know how to figure out if Salad Fingers is still there, or if we can leave. There are no doors in here, right?”

Josh shook his head no. “Maybe we can listen at the door,” he said.

Mikey stood up and ran to the door, putting his ear to it. He shook his head, still crying. 

Suddenly, there was a clicking noise. The door opened, knocking Mikey to the ground. Salad Fingers stepped inside.

“I… found you… I win…”

Dallon stood up and ran to get Mikey, who was now sprawled unconscious on the ground. Salad Fingers grabbed Dallon and embraced him.

“You… you run… to hug… me…”

Salad Fingers squeezed Dallon tighter and tighter, like an anaconda squeezing its prey. There was a popping noise, producing a scream from Dallon, and Josh knew Salad Fingers had broken several of Dallon’s ribs. 

“Stop,” Dallon wheezed, “sto-“

Salad Fingers laughed and put Dallon into a choke hold. His face began turning blue.

“I love… to hug… your neck…”

Dallon gave a strangled noise and then went limp in Salad Fingers’ arms. Josh darted over and grabbed Mikey before running back to the others. 

“I’m going… to take… this friend… to his bed… it seems… like he wants to nap…”

Salad Fingers then began dragging Dallon out the doorway. Ryan made to grab at him, but Spencer held him back.

“I’ll… come back… to meet… you all here…” Salad Fingers said before closing the door and locking it.

“Great,” Ryan said. “Dallon’s dead, too. And we’re locked in. How the *potato* are we gonna get out-“

Mikey and Patrick both sat up at the same time, pointing at a spot in the corner behind a painting. “Tunnels,” they both muttered before passing out again.

Josh turned to Tyler. “Tunnels?” he asked.

Tyler walked over and took the painting off of the wall. Sure enough, there was a hole behind it.

“Tunnels,” Tyler said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe tunnels will be our always
> 
> shout out to anybody who remembers the ouija-board-gabe-saporta-pete-wentz-mikey-way stuff from I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream, 'Cause We're Terrified
> 
> not many people will die, necessarily, but bad stuff will still happen to people, so vote for whoever you want bad stuff to NOT happen to. basically, vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> tyler, josh, gerard, mikey, frank, ryan, patrick, spencer, joe
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to 1)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you gUYS
> 
> my buddy, daniel, officially joined the us navy yesterday
> 
> dear lord
> 
> i'm a bit of a pacifist, so idk how to feel about it
> 
> he seems so happy though oh my gOD he's really adorable when he talks about joining the navy he get's so excited and i just :')
> 
> my little navy bean :')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmm yeah fun stuff
> 
> lots of demons and fun stuff is planned for later
> 
> whoop whoop

Tyler led the way into the tunnel. Josh handed Mikey to Gerard, and Spencer grabbed Patrick, and they all followed Tyler.

This tunnel was even darker than the first. Josh walked along, behind Tyler, Gerard, and Mikey and in front of Patrick, Ryan, and Spencer. Enough light bled in for Josh to see on the floor, in the same color of blood as before, “DYNASTY DECAPITATED”. Like the ones he’d previously seen, there was a small oval inside each of the “A”s.

“So,” came a voice in Josh’s ear, “have you noticed the, uh… the words?”

Josh turned and saw Ryan. “What?”

“Y’know, that writing. I saw you looking at it.”

“Oh,” Josh said. “Uh, yeah. I- do you know what it means?”

“’DYNASTY DECAPITATED’? No, I don’t know. It’s written in blood, though. Freaky.”

“Yeah,” Josh said. “And, whoever wrote it put little ovals in each of the A-holes.”

Ryan bit his lip and laughed. “No,” he said slowly, “those… Josh, those weren’t just ovals. Did you even look at them?”

“I- what?”

“They were fingerprints.”

Josh shrugged. That was a little creepy, yeah, but he didn’t see why it was that bad. “Yeah,” he said. “I mean, it’s just writing stuff and then marking it, right?”

Ryan’s eyes widened. “No,” he said. “Josh, do you realize what that meant? Do you remember the ghost?”

“Oh,” Josh said. “Yeah, maybe the ghost thing did it.”

Ryan stopped and grabbed Josh’s arm. “No,” he hissed. “No, Josh! Don’t you get it?”

“No?”

Ryan started walking again. He shook his head and shuddered. “Ghosts,” he said, “can’t make fingerprints. Ghosts don’t have blood. Ghosts don’t have fingers.”

Josh frowned. If the ghost hadn’t made the fingerprints, who had? “So, do you think it was just someone else, then?”

“Josh, who’s missing? Who haven’t we run into yet?”

Josh’s mouth fell open a bit. Joe Trohman was the only one missing. Why hadn’t he realized that? Joe had written the writing on the walls. He’d had some sort of access to blood, too. Was he hurt? “*potato*,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Ryan said. He then walked forward and joined Tyler at the front.

Josh swallowed and looked down. It didn’t make any sense. How had Joe written on Paula? Nobody had seen him, right? Why had Joe written those things? Was he okay?

‘Josh, who’s missing?’  
‘*potato*.’  
‘Yeah.’

Ryan had never really confirmed that he’d been thinking of Joe, had he? Maybe it wasn’t Joe. Maybe Ryan was thinking of someone (or something) else. Josh decided not to question Ryan further on it.   
Suddenly, Tyler halted. “There’s another door,” he said. He pushed open the door and beckoned them all inside.

Josh walked into the room and sighed. It was perfect. There was a small fireplace was in the corner, built into the wall. It provided warmth and light to the entire room. There were two couches, but both were torn and slightly mildewed, so Josh decided to stay away from them. He walked over to Tyler and nudged him. “Can we take a break from running?”

Tyler nodded and shut the door after Patrick and Spencer, the last two to enter the room. “I think I could go for some sleep,” Tyler announced to everyone. “So could Josh. It might be best for all of us, actually.”

Spencer nodded. He laid Patrick down on the ground and dragged one of the couches over to the door, barring it shut.

They all lay down and went to sleep. Josh crawled over to Tyler and wiggled his back into Tyler’s stomach. Tyler laughed and shifted a bit, so they were spooning. “I can dig it,” Tyler whispered into Josh’s ear. “Night, Joshie.”

“Night, Tyler.”

“Night, Mikey,” Josh called.

“Don’t let Lucifer bite,” came Mikey’s voice from the other side of the room.

“Mikey, I swear to God, first thing we do once we bust out of here is take you to a church,” Gerard said.

“Sleep well, Gerard,” Mikey said. “I’ll tell Them to stay away from you all.”

Then, all that was heard was the sound of breathing and the fire crackling. This wasn’t so bad, Josh decided as he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> josh, tyler, gerard, mikey, patrick, ryan, spencer, joe
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to one)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BEFORE YOU START TO READ THIS, I WANT YOU TO OPEN ANOTHER TAB, GO TO YOUTUBE, AND FIND THE CHANNEL “Dark Music World”. START PLAYING ANY VIDEO FROM THERE, AND THEN GO BACK TO THIS TAB, SO YOU’RE LISTENING TO THE VIDEO WHILST READING THIS. OKAY? IT MAKES IT SO MUCH BETTER HONESTLY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IN CASE YOU SKIPPED THE SUMMARY, BEFORE YOU START TO READ THIS, I WANT YOU TO OPEN ANOTHER TAB, GO TO YOUTUBE, AND FIND THE CHANNEL “Dark Music World”. START PLAYING ANY VIDEO FROM THERE, AND THEN GO BACK TO THIS TAB, SO YOU’RE LISTENING TO THE VIDEO WHILST READING THIS. OKAY? IT MAKES IT SO MUCH BETTER HONESTLY

(ATTENTION. ATTENTION. IN CASE YOU IGNORED THE FIRST TWO THINGS, BEFORE YOU START TO READ THIS, I WANT YOU TO OPEN ANOTHER TAB, GO TO YOUTUBE, AND FIND THE CHANNEL “Dark Music World”. START PLAYING ANY VIDEO FROM THERE, AND THEN GO BACK TO THIS TAB, SO YOU’RE LISTENING TO THE VIDEO WHILST READING THIS. OKAY? IT MAKES IT SO MUCH BETTER HONESTLY.) 

When Josh woke up, no one else was awake, and the room was a lot darker and colder. He looked around and noticed that the fire had gone out. 

Josh carefully wiggled himself out of Tyler’s arms and walked over to the fireplace. He reached his hand out to feel if the coals were still warm-

Josh’s hand connected with something soft and wet. What was it?

Josh slid his hand up and down the object, sleep still clouding his thoughts. It was wet and soft, and it was… fuzzy?

No, it was hairy…

Josh suddenly felt very tired. His fingers slowed a bit as they reached what felt like a hand- but it wasn’t a hand; it just… felt like one…

There was another hand-like object inside the first, and connected to it was another squishy object.

Josh ran his fingers over this one. It was so soft, and he was so tired…

“Joshy,” came a voice, “what are you doing?”

Josh furrowed his brow. What was he doing? He’d forgotten what he’d been doing. 

“You don’t remember? That’s okay, Joshy. Go to sleep.”

Josh nodded slowly and went to lie down in the fireplace next to the squishy and wet object. He leaned into it and shut his eyes.

“That’s right, Joshy-Woshy, go to sleep now.”

Josh hummed in agreement and was drifting off to sleep, when suddenly, his eyes snapped open and his thoughts cleared.

Joshy-Woshy.

“*potato*!” he screamed as he jumped up. Someone grabbed him and pulled him into their arms, his face facing the fireplace. 

“Light ‘em up,” whispered the person. They threw something into the fireplace, and it erupted into flames. Now, Josh could see what was in it.

The corpse of Joseph Trohman, with Patrick Stump holding Joe’s cold and dead hand. Patrick’s stump was bleeding again, and, Josh noticed, Joe was missing a left hand as well.

Josh screamed and tried to wriggle out of the person’s grip. “Patrick!” Josh screamed, “Patrick, wake up!”

Patrick’s eyes shot open. He looked next to him and screamed when he saw Joe’s body burning. He tried to pull his one good hand away, but it was stuck. 

Patrick looked up at Josh and nodded solemnly. He grabbed a fire poker from next to the fire pit and stabbed whoever had been holding Josh, and then, he raised the poker above his head.

Patrick tried again to pull his only remaining hand away, but it wouldn’t come off. The flames were already beginning to lick at it. Patrick shut his eyes tightly and brought the poker down on his wrist, cutting off his other hand and freeing him from Joe as he fell back to the ground. 

“Patrick!” Josh screamed. He turned around to the others. “Wake the *potato* up!” he screamed. “Wake the *potato* up!” He ran and tried shielding Patrick from the flames with his body, but Josh wasn’t very tall, so it wasn’t much use.

The flames from the fireplace caught on the carpet, and the fire began spreading. “Guys!” screamed Josh.

They all opened their eyes and screamed when they saw Joe, burning in the fire, clinging to Patrick’s severed hand. Tyler ran over and grabbed Josh and Patrick, pulling them to the door, where Spencer had begun pushing the couch out of the way. 

“It’s stuck!” Spencer screamed. “It won’t go! *potato*, guys, help me out!”

Josh began breathing more heavily. He looked back at the fireplace, even though he knew he shouldn’t. By the light of the flames, he was able to catch a glimpse of the person who’d called him That Name, smiling eerily up at him with big, black eyes as he bled out of his chest.

Ryan Ross.

“Dynasty decapitated,” he whispered. “Good night, Joshy-Woshy. Never forget your name.”

Josh screamed and fell to his knees, and he heard nothing more than Tyler screaming his name before he submitted to the silent, black nothingness of unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is getting spoopy, guys
> 
> also i officially started watching supernatural today and honestly when jess came on i questioned my sexuality for a second but then she died so
> 
> vote for who should be spared the most:
> 
> josh, tyler, patrick, spencer, gerard, mikey
> 
> the characters are listed from current most votes to current least votes. one vote per user per chapter.
> 
> (if you want, you can divide the one vote however you choose between characters, as long as it adds up to 1.00)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh enjoy if you want to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ?
> 
> it's gonna be way more eventful soon, i promise
> 
> i think this'll be finished around christmas time, yeah?

“Josh?”

Joshy-Woshy groaned. Someone had been calling ‘Josh’ for what seemed like hours now. Joshy was getting tired of it.

He hoped the person found this ‘Josh’ soon. They sounded like they were about to cry.

“Josh? Josh, please, wake up!”

Joshy-Woshy slowly opened his eyes. “Can I help you?” he whispered. “Do you need help finding your friend, or can I go back to sleep?”

“Josh, it’s me, Tyler!”

Joshy-Woshy frowned. “Who are you talking to?”

“You- Josh, I’m talking to you.”

“Me?”

“Yes!”

“But I’m not Josh,” Joshy-Woshy slowly said. “I’m Joshy-Woshy. You must be mistaken, sir.”

Tyler began to cry. He pulled Joshy-Woshy into his arms and began shaking. “No,” he choked out.

Joshy-Woshy pushed Tyler away from him. “Who are you?”

“It- oh, God. Josh, I- your name, it’s Josh, okay?”

Joshy-Woshy began breathing more quickly. “No! No, my name is Joshy-Woshy!”

A man walked over. He wore a fedora and was a little pudgy, and he had bleeding stumps for hands. He pushed the other man aside and knelt down, taking Joshy-Woshy’s face between his wrists. 

“Josh Dun,” he whispered.

Josh gasped. “What the *potato*?” he cried. “Why- why did I-“

Patrick stood up and walked away, and Tyler practically tackled Josh.

“*potato*, Tyler,” Josh said. “What’s going on?”

“Joshy-Woshy,” Gerard said from the other side of the room they were in. “Ryan called you Joshy-Woshy. That’s what DJ named you, remember? I think he- or someone else- is trying to brainwash you into thinking something, but I don’t know what. Maybe, I mean. Just a guess.”

Josh nodded and stood up. “What about Ryan, though? His eyes were… I mean, they were black, you know?”

“We think Ryan must have been possessed by something,” Spencer said. “Maybe he figured out too much, and the thing behind all of this was making sure he didn’t learn anything else.”

Then, Josh remembered what Ryan had said about the writing everywhere. *potato*. “Wait, where are we? Like, right now, I mean.”

“Oh, we found another tunnel. There are a lot. I think we need to go up, though, to get out. We should probably start walking again.”

Tyler held the door for them all as they walked out of the room. Josh was last out, and he held the door for Tyler. After Tyler walked out, Josh felt oddly cold. He froze, still holding the door ajar.

“Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the God *potato*ed door?”

Josh jumped and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Tyler turned and raised his eyebrows.

“Did you hear that, Tyler?”

“Hear what?”

Josh shook his head. “Never mind,” he said. “I’m probably just still a little dizzy, I guess.” He followed Tyler and the others.

Josh swore he could hear noises around him. He had a headache, too, and he kept hearing a voice whispering in his ear- but nobody was there except for Tyler and the others.

“Dynasty decapitated,” came the whispers. 

Josh shook himself and quickened his pace. He was imagining things. 

“Guys!” Mikey shouted, “I’ve found an elevator! Let’s go up!”

Josh and Tyler ran over to the elevator. They all piled inside. “Does this feel too easy to anyone else?” Josh asked.

“Huh?” Mikey asked.

“Like, does it seem like a trap-“

The doors opened, and Salad Fingers was on the other side. “Ready or not, here I come!” he screamed. “I’ve found you! You lose!” 

He slammed a button, and the elevator plummeted down the shaft.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well, shout out to EmotionalWreck for figuring out who the ghost is
> 
> honestly, i thought y'all would've figured it out by now
> 
> nobody else is going to die, so that's cool
> 
> hey hey guess what if you listen to "Death Valley" while you read this it's really cool
> 
> *can anybody guess where they are?*
> 
> don't forget to listen to ,, to Death Valley ,, 
> 
> *but seriously, where do y'all think they're located?

Everyone screamed as they were thrown to the ceiling, the elevator plummeting at speeds faster than they ever could’ve imagined. This thing was going faster than Sonic the Hedgehog having a quickie with Roadrunner. We’re talking FAST.

"Sugar, we're goin' down, swingin'," Patrick whispered as they all screamed.

When the elevator finally came to a stop, Josh fell hard against the floor- that would definitely leave a mark- and whispered, “Where are we?”

Tyler groaned. “I don’t-“

“We are in His lair.”

Everyone turned to look at Patrick, who was staring blankly at the doors. He keeled over, and his eyes closed.

“*potato*, guys, he's dead!" Spencer yelled.

Patrick opened his eyes and smiled at Spencer, laughing. “I know you are, but what am I?”

“Wait, what?”

“Spencer’s going to die… Spencer’s going to die…”

Spencer bean backing towards the door. “Patrick, calm down-“

“Spencer… going to die… He is here…”

Patrick was still inching closer and closer to Spencer. Spencer grabbed the doors and thrust them open- 

And came face to face with Salad Fingers. “Found you,” he sang quietly before turning to walk away.

Spencer gasped and doubled over. “*potato*,” he whispered. When he turned around to face the others, a knife was sticking out of his gut. He fell through the elevator doors and onto the concrete floor.

Patrick frowned. “Spencer’s dead, Mikey.”

“Yes.”

“Let’s go tell Him the news, Mikey. Let’s tell him that all of the Wanted are Deceased.”

“Yes,” Mikey said again as Patrick dragged him out of the elevator and to the side of it. 

“Mikey!” Gerard cried, “Mikey, get back here-“

“Gerard,” Tyler said, “We all knew it was going to happen sometime. Couldn’t you tell? Nobody can help him.”

Gerard swallowed and nodded. “Should we go find a way out?” he asked. “Go stop this once and for all?”

Josh stepped out of the elevator and began walking. “*potato*, yeah,” he said. “Let’s finish it.”

They all walked for a while until they came across a large oven. 

“Oh, my God,” Tyler whispered. “That’s an oven!”

Josh gasped. It was identical to the one he’d been almost baked in. “Tyler,” he said, “we’re still in Shia’s forest.”

Tyler and Gerard whipped their heads around. “How the *potato* are we still there?” Gerard asked. “We left; Ryan, Spencer, Jon, and Dallon transported us away. Right?”

Josh placed a finger to his lips and edged around the corner of the oven. When they reached the front of it, they saw Salad Fingers talking with Patrick and Mikey. Salad Fingers nodded at something, and the three of them disappeared down a hallway, leaving the area empty. Josh stepped in front of the oven and made a strangled noise. 

“This is where they- where they tried to cook me,” he whispered. “Spencer, Ryan, Jon, and Dallon took me out of here the way that Salad Fingers, Mikey, and Patrick just went.”

Tyler walked over and stroked the oven door. “So, what are you saying?” he asked.

“It’s like I said before: we’re just on the other side of the forest.”

“But-“

“Tyler, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems like we never left that forest. It’s right in front of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see, this is where it's going to get cool, because all the previous stories are going to tie into this one, and it's going to be really cool. i hope. maybe it'll be cool.
> 
> yeah, it's going to be cool. 
> 
> are there any people y'all want me to kill? like, just shove them in and kill them? i need to do a killing thing, and i've already decided on donald trump and ben carson, but i figured i'd need more *potato*holes to murder
> 
> did i ever tell y'all about my ben carson phase?
> 
> when i was in fifth grade, i got his autobiography, and i freaked out, and it was my favorite book for, like, two years
> 
> wth was wrong with me? like, i've had a legitimate paula deen phase and a guy fieri phase and a bobby flay phase and a ben carson phase and a hUGE high school musical phase and an even bigger rachael ray phase and my little cousin is still in his john cena phase and
> 
> i'm ,,,


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> these chapters are so short i'm sorry guys
> 
> i'm feeling extra anxious this week and it's thanksgiving so lots of people will be at my house woo-hoo 
> 
> i'm gonna literally cry

“*potato*,” Tyler said. “They tried cooking you? Aren't you already hot enough? It's a sin to make someone that hot, Josh!”

“Yeah, I mean, I think they’re all some cannibal cult or something,” Josh said.

Gerard shrugged. “If we’re still in the forest, then maybe there are search parties looking for us.”

Josh shuddered. He hoped nobody was looking for them. He didn’t ever want anybody to go through what they’d all gone through.

“So,” Gerard said, “where the *potato* are Patrick and Mikey? They went out the door, right?”

“Yeah, so if we go out there, we can find them, I think,” Tyler said. “Oh- wait, they’re probably waiting for us. *potato*.”

Gerard and Tyler continued talking about how to find the other two, but Josh walked over to a table in the corner of the room, where a large, golden-brown object lay. 

It was deep-fried, and the crust looked identical to the crust Paula Deen had made on DJ Lance Rock. Paula must have deep-fried this- but how could she have? Kim Jong-Un said he’d skinned her! 

Wait, when Josh was in the oven, hadn’t he overheard Donald Trump or someone say that Paula Deen was deep-frying Gabe Saporta? She must have been alive, then. Right?

Josh studied the object more carefully. It looked like a human. It looked like…

Oh, crap. Crap. *potato*ing crap. 

Josh reached out with trembling hands and began crumbling away the crust, starting at what looked like the feet and working his way towards what looked like the head. 

His heart pounded terribly as he worked. *potato*ing *potato*-*potato*, what if it really was-

Josh screamed. He’d just finished, and now, Gabe Saporta’s eyes were staring back at him. 

“Salad Fingers is Paula Deen,” he hissed. 

“Gabe?”

Tyler and Gerard ran over. “Josh, you screamed; what’s wrong- *potato*ING *potato*! What the *potato*?”

Gabe Saporta began shaking. “Salad Fingers is Paula Deen… Salad Fingers is Paula Deen… Salad Fingers is Paula Deen… Salad Fingers is Paula Deen… Salad Fingers is Paula Deen…”

It all made sense now. Kim Jong-Un had skinned Paula and covered her in a new skin because he didn’t want to waste her cooking abilities. Salad Finger’s skin. *potato*ing *potato*.

Josh turned to Tyler. “*potato*?” he whispered.

“*potato*.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FRICKING FRICK, THIS IS GETTING INTENSE. i had to recruit some help from parker (the one from the all the nico/parker fanfics) and from navy bean. PARKER JUST SPILLED HOT CHOCOLATE ALL OVER HIS VAGINAL AREA, SO I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS TO HIM. I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR THIGHS THAT MUST REALLY HURT
> 
> parker, thank for helping me decide which part of josh to do the things to (but don't blame him bc something bad was gonna happen to josh either way but it'll get better soon i promise !) 
> 
> navy bean, thank for suggesting the weapons being sharpened bones of brendon urie that was a really good aswer and i barely gave you any context so i hecka applaud you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was only gonna post on weekends, but *potato* because that i am a free bear.

Josh stared at Gabe. “Aren’t you dead, though?”

“Gabe Saporta is dead. I, however, am not.”

“You- but you’re Gabe- *potato*, wait, aren’t you Gabe Saporta?”

“Salad Fingers is Paula Deen.”

Josh looked up at Tyler and Gerard. “*potato*,” he said. “Do you guys think he’s been possessed, too?”

“God, I- yeah,” Gerard said. “Yeah.”

Suddenly, Gabe Saporta- or whatever was possessing him- rolled off of the table, landing in the pile of crumbs from when he’d been deep-fried. “He’s coming,” he panted. “I told him where you were, but I thought it was good, and- God, *potato*, I don’t wanna hurt anybody, *potato*, I never meant to hurt you all, oh my God, *potato*, I’m so sorry- it’s my fault that he’s dead, I- I- *potato*-“ Gabe Saporta/The Thing started sobbing. “*potato*!” they screamed.

Tyler knelt down and shook the thing’s shoulders. “You’re not Gabe; Gabe’s dead. Right?”

“*potato*, I’m so sorry-“

“Why are you sorry? What’s going on?”

The Thing began heaving its- Gabe Saporta’s- chest. “I told them where you all were,” he whispered. “They’re coming.”

“They’re coming?” asked Gerard. “Who’s coming?”

“Your mom,” came a voice from behind them. Josh whipped his head around and screamed. It was Donald Trump and Salad Fingers- or should he say, Donald Trump and Paula Deen. “Thank you, Beebo.”

Beebo? That must have been the name of the thing possessing Gabe Saporta’s corpse. name sounded familiar. Josh had read it on Tumblr once, he thought. Wasn’t it what the fans called-

“Get them!” Donald Trump screamed as he threw a long and white object at Paula. Josh saw Tyler and Gerard start running, so he grabbed “Beebo”- where had he heard that name before?- and began dragging him in Tyler and Gerard’s direction.

“Josh, look out!” Tyler screamed. Josh gasped as he felt something sink into his left shin. Beebo leaped out of his arms and picked him up, running to Gerard and Tyler and leading the three of them back to the elevator. He shut the doors and slammed his body against them to keep them shut. 

“Not much time,” Beebo whispered, “Not much time. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Josh- *potato*- Josh, okay? JOSH. JOSH-JOSH-JOSH. Tyler, Gerard, you gotta get the bone out, quick-”

Josh looked down at his leg. There was a bone sticking out of it. “*potato*!” he screamed.

“No, don’t worry, it’s not yours!” Beebo said. “It’s… it’s mine,“ he added in a whispered voice.

Tyler grabbed the bone and tried to wrench it out of Josh’s leg, but it was stuck. “It won’t come out,” he panted.

Beebo cringed. “I’m sorry, Josh,” he whispered. He pulled out a knife, and suddenly, Josh’s lower leg wasn’t connected to his chubby thighs anymore, and blood was spilling everywhere. Beebo jumped away from the door as more bones- apparently, they were Beebo’s- began pelting the door. They made holes in the door, but none entered the elevator. 

Josh backed into the corner, still freaking out because half of his leg was fricking on the other side of the elevator, and then, he heard Donald and Paula screaming on the other side of the elevator doors. 

“Joshy-Woshy! Joshy-Woshy! Joshy-Woshy! Joshy-Woshy!”

More and more of Beebo’s sharpened bones pelted the doors. They were going to be murdered, Joshy-Woshy realized. 

“Josh!” Beebo screamed. “Josh, don’t listen to them!”

Josh gasped and slammed his hands over his ears, but he still heard them.

“Joshy-Woshy! Joshy-Woshy! Joshy-Woshy!”

Joshy-Woshy breathed heavily as more blood gushed from his stump. Just as he slipped into unconsciousness, it hit him. Beebo was the fans’ nickname for Brendon Urie.

“Josh,” Tyler said, “Josh, stay with us, *potato*-“

Joshy-Woshy squinted his eyes. Why were they calling him Josh? He was Joshy-Woshy. They must have been mistaken. 

Everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FFFFF HAPPY THANKSGIVING MOTHER TRUCKERS AMERICA TIME YES
> 
> I'M REALLY PUMPED RIGHT NOW HECK YES TIME TO DO SOME EXTREME HULA HOOPING AND MAKE BALLOON DILDOS AND PLAY GUITAR WITH MY FEET HELL YEAH
> 
> I JUST SWORE OH NO goODBYE
> 
> remember to go check out my collection: starwars_fun_with_emobearthing (Lightsaber Dildos)
> 
> get c r e a t i v e *muffled laughter* *your mum is not a creative color*


	18. Broken Elevators and Broken Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy thanksgiving, mother truckers.
> 
> edit: frick frick frick i just was scrolling through instagram like usual and occasionally making self promos and someone resPONDED and said "ooh is it petekey?" and i was like frICK and i commented back that it was petekey in the previous installment but in this one pete had "moved on to a better place :(" and they said they would read it and ,, frick if you're reading this i'm so sorry for what you've just read

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna cryyyy
> 
> another pair of underwear just got stained :) with :) blood :) from my :) vagina :)
> 
> but on the plus side, it turns out that i'm actually period-synchronized with, like, three of my friends
> 
> *whispers* what are we

_‘Joshy-Woshy, it’s been a long time since i last saw you.”_

_Joshy-Woshy stared at the figure that had appeared before him._

_‘who are you?’_

_‘it’s me, Joshy-Woshy. don’t you remember?’_

_Joshy-Woshy stared at the figure. he couldn’t make out who- or what- they were. ‘sorry,’ he said._

_‘oh, Joshy-Woshy, you’re so lucky to have me for a friend. i don’t care that you’re a disgusting whore who can’t even remember his own best friend.’_

_‘my- I have a best friend?  you're my best friend?’_

_‘oh, yes. yes, you do, Joshy-Woshy. You aren’t a very good friend, either, but i still care for you. i care. you are a dirty slut, but i still care.’_

_Joshy-Woshy frowned. was he a dirty slut? oh- yes, he remembered now, he was. he was a disgusting creature, too foul to walk the earth. ‘oh,’ he whispered, ‘i’m so sorry; p- please, don’t- don’t be mad-‘_

_‘i am not mad at you, Joshy-Woshy. i am only disappointed. that’s why i've come to help you, so that you don’t act in such horrid ways. you are a disgrace to humanity, Joshy-Woshy.’_

_‘i- please, i- i’m so sorry- help me, please,’ Joshy-Woshy whimpered. ‘do what you want to. please.’_

_the figure crept closer to Joshy-Woshy, who shuddered and closed his eyes. ‘slut,’ the figure coughed, ‘dirty slut. you’re nothing more than a whore. you begged for dj lance rock to make you feel good, and when he finally offered good feelings to you, you murdered him. you push away everyone who tries to help you. make up your mind, slut. make up your mind. do you want help?’_

_Joshy-Woshy let out a shaky breath and nodded._

_‘then you’ll understand that the only way you can be helped is if you get rid of your life, yes?’_

_tears streamed down Joshy-Woshy’s face. ‘okay,’ he whispered. ‘how do i do it?’_

“Josh! Josh, *potato*, wake up!”

_Joshy-Woshy snapped his head up at the sound of the new voice. ‘who’s that?’_

_‘you must be imagining things, Joshy-Woshy. there’s nothing else in here but you and me.’_

“Josh, wake up! Josh!”

_‘the- the voice won’t go away- i don’t think i’m imagining it-‘_

_‘yes, you are. shh. go to sleep, now. i’ll make it quick, okay? i’m trying to help you, Joshy-Woshy.’_

_Joshy-Woshy knew the figure only wanted to help, but he still felt uneasy about getting rid of his life. ‘you never told me your name,’ he whispered._

_‘my name?’_

_‘yes.’_

_‘i thought you’d never ask, Joshy-Woshy. if you must know, my name is Lucy.’_

_‘is that short for something?’ Joshy-Woshy asked, standing up. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other._

wait- two feet? no! Josh only had one foot!

“Josh, wake the *potato* up!”

_‘yes, Joshy-Woshy. as a matter of fact, it’s short for Lucifer. now, may i have your life, or not?’_

“Josh, whatever's going on in there, it's not real!  They’re not real! Open your eyes! Wake up! *potato*! It’s me, Tyler!”

Josh! Josh! that was him! Josh started running away from Lucifer, but Lucifer kept running.

_‘tyler!’ he screamed. ‘tyler!’_

_‘we had a deal, Joshy-Woshy! we had a deal-'_

Josh shot up and gasped, his chest heaving.

“Josh!” Tyler said. “*potato*, thank God!”

Josh looked around. “Are we- are we still in the elevator?”

“Yeah,” Tyler said. “Yeah, we’re still in the elevator.”

Brendon sighed from where he and Gerard sat, in the corner near the buttons for the elevator. “I can’t stop messing up,” he said. “*potato*, man. I- *potato*.”

Josh shook his head. “It’s okay, Brendon,” he mumbled, glancing down at his legs. One of them only went a little bit past his knee. He began crying. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “We’re gonna make it out. Right? Right?”

Tyler bit his lip. “God, I hope so,” he said. “Hey, Brendon, what did you say before? You know, about it all being your fault? Maybe there’s something we can do to get out of here?”

Brendon nodded. “I guess I should fill you guys in. Well, it’s a long story...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you guys want more context? if you feel like the story's moving too quickly, let me know. i feel like it might be. i don't know, man.
> 
> also, a Very Important announcement: i'm thinking about changing my username (again, yes, sorry). it'll be like when i changed from @/thedarksnottakingprisonerstonight to @/emobearthing, and even though @/thedarksnottakingprisonerstonight wasn't my username, i still had it as a pseud, so if you typed it in, you'd still find me. if i do change the name, i'd keep @/emobearthing as a pseud until everyone's used to the new name. so, yeah, would anybody be opposed to a name change? it'll be the last one, i swear.


	19. Friends With A Frog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if you haven't read Of Memes and Men, I suggest reading that. this'll make a lot more sense with that background information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're getting nearer to the end, but i'm planning a new series based on a lyric i heard in a Nirvana song. i just started listening to them (yes, i am well aware of how late i am), and they've got some great lyrics that could be given cannibalistic themes. yes. more cannibals. you can expect that one for 2016, mother truckers.

“It all started when I was in the back of my tour bus. There was this… this dude, right? And we were, uh. He was giving me a blowjob. After I cummed, he told me some stuff that kinda freaked me out, and I ran away… but I ended up getting in, uh, a freak accident. Got maimed and everything. It was bad. I- *potato*, you guys don’t need details, but, uh. Long story short, my body didn't have ballsacks anymore.  
“Anyway, I was freaked out, so Sarah checked me into a hospital. It was awful. They said I was traumatized by the accident, and I’d imagined what had happened back on the tour bus, but I hadn’t! I’d know, because I saw that *potato*ed dude every time I turned around. He was always there. I was scared, honestly. Terrified.  
“Then, one day, Dallon came and took me away, and the dude came back and helped me out a bit. Seeing him face to face shook me up pretty badly, so it took a while for him to explain everything, but eventually, he did. And, God, I- man. Sarah was actually just a fake character Dallon was playing, and it was like my whole world was turned upside down, but I still had Dallon. I had that dude, too.  
“He didn’t abandon me. No, I thought he would, after how I’d reacted to the truth, but he didn’t. He stayed around, sometimes hung out with Dallon and I. It was real nice. I was happy.  
“Then, Dallon and I got in a heck of a fight. I said some *potato*; he said some *potato*. I never saw him again.  
“The dude stayed, though. He wasn’t mad at me for hurting Dallon like that. Then, one day, this dude just disappeared, and it broke my heart. I knew he was out there.  
“One night, I was walking, and I came across an abandoned church. These guys came out and asked me what was wrong, why I was so upset. I- *potato*, I told them every God *potato* thing. They said- they said they could find the dude and Dallon, and we’d all be happy again, and I believed ‘em. They said all I had to do was help ‘em out. Do whatever they said. Trust them. So, I did. I did whatever they told me to. Next thing I know, people are dying, my friends are all dying, and the guys from the church told me it was my fault, so I believed ‘em, ‘cause it was, I- it was. It was all my fault. I hurt so many people. I trusted those guys from the church- I mean, you know ‘em: Shia, Paula, Kim, Donald, and DJ- and I never once doubted them.  
“They have this boss, right? They never told me who he was, but he’s pretty powerful, I guess. Supernatural. Not human. He said I should call him Ruler. Anyway, Ruler told me something. He said he’d been possessing some people. Patrick, Mikey- God, he said he’d been possessing Ryan. Ryan Ross.  
“And that was it for me. I looked at Ruler and said, ‘No. No. This needs to stop.’ He laughed and God *potato*ed slit my throat just like that. Boom. I was dead… I was just a spirit. I could see Ruler then. He was- *potato*, I know it sounds crazy, but Ruler looked like Lucifer himself. He told me I was gonna cooperate, or more of my friends were gonna die.  
“He made me possess Patrick and Mikey when he was tired of it. I tried to be nice to them. I let them stay in control when I could. I gave you guys warnings, too. If someone was dead, I tried to tell you. If there was a way out of a bad situation you guys were in, I tried to tell you. I tried to help.  
“And then one day, Ruler came up to me and said, ‘Beebo, I want you to start sharpening your old body’s bones. We need more weapons.’ I thought that was pretty weird, but I did it anyway. Once I’d finished, he said he knew about me working against him and everyone else, and he’d had enough of me. He trapped me in Gabe *potato*ing Saporta’s deep-fried body. Gabe Saporta. To be honest, it’s not that bad, but lemme tell you something: Gabe said he had nine inches. *potato* it, this dude’s got less than six. I swear to God.  
“So, yeah, basically, that’s what happened. They know where I stand, and they’re out to get me. You guys, too- I mean, they’ve always been out to get you guys, but now, it’s me, too. We're all *potato*ed.”

 

Josh nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be. I’m sorry. It’s-“ Brendon sighed and threw his head back against the doors of the elevator. “It’s my fault."

Tyler coughed. “Uh,” he said, “who was the dude?”

“The dude?”

“Yeah, the one who went missing.”

Brendon laughed coldly and bit his lip. “*potato*ing,” he said. He laughed again, louder this time. A tear rolled down his cheek as he shook with a burning hatred for himself. He shook his head and exhaled sharply.

“The dude wasn’t even a dude. He was a frog. Pepe the Frog.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, i changed my username. cool. emobearthing is still a pseud, so if you type it in, you'll end up at my page, but by name-name is burlesqueemobear. i actually spent several days coming up with it. 
> 
> -"burlesque emo bear" has the same initials as my real name  
> -"somewhere downtown where a BURLESQUE queen may even ask my name" *p!atd intensifies*  
> -it's got "queemo" in the middle, and one of my friends uses queemo to describe queer people who are into the emo trinity  
> -it still has emobear in it, so it's not that big of a change


	20. Don't Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i  
> today, a girl with cornrows in her hair sat down at the table where Navy Bean and i sit at.  
> i wouldn't've [is that a word?] minded the cornrows, but she was clearly not of African descent. she was using the African culture as an accessory. no better than miley cyrus.  
> i saw Navy Bean tense up when she sat down and started talking to another girl from the table. they looked upset. i thought, 'dear lord, if this child understands cultural appropriation, i will fricking platonically love them forever.' after a bit, they turned to me and mumbled, 'it's not the cornrows, it's just that I know her, and no one in her family is African. cultural appropriation, you know? like, cultures aren't *potato*in' accessories. this really annoys me.'  
> Navy Bean understands it  
> hallelujah, mother truckers. my friend is a good friend. a non-racist friend who appreciates cultures. thank fricking God.

There was a collective gasp from Tyler, Josh, and Gerard.

“Oh, Brendon,” Tyler whispered, “we had no idea, man.”

Brendon wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and grunted. “No, no, ‘s okay. I’ll find him. Pepe- I mean, he’s not dead yet. I can feel it. I’m gonna find him. I’m gonna get you all out of this mess I’ve gotten you into, and then, I’m gonna find him.”

“No,” Gerard said. “No, Brendon.”

“What?”

“We’re not leaving you. We’ll help you find him.”

Brendon smiled. “Thanks, guys,” he said. “Should we get out of here and find Mikey and Patrick, then?”

Everyone stood up. Josh stared at them all. “I only have one and three quarters legs, guys,” he said.

Tyler looked down at Josh’s stump, which was still pouring out blood, and said, “Oh. I forgot about that.” He picked Josh up and sat him on his shoulders. “We’re good,” Tyler said to Gerard and Brendon. 

Brendon shook his head, his eyes wide. “Be careful,” he said. “Josh is Vulnerable now. Gotta watch out.” With that, he carefully pried the elevator doors open and led them out, behind the elevator.

“Patrick and Mikey are probably at the Headquarters,” he said as they walked. “We’ll go there and try to find them. Oh- wait, how long were you guys in the tunnels? You must be hungry.”

“A bit,” Gerard said. “I think we were only there for a few days. We came here around September first, I think. Right, guys?”

“Yeah, sometime around early September is when we got to Salad Finger’s- no, crap, Paula Deen’s- house,” Josh said.

Brendon’s eyes widened. “You guys do know what month it is now, right?”

“Middle of September?”

Brendon shook his head. “No, it’s the fricking last day of November, guys. Time goes by really fast in this place. It’s weird. Frick, how’d you all last that long without food? What’s the last thing you ate?”

“Granola bars from Pete Wentz’ backpack-“

“Teletubbies! They probably fricking made you guys eat the Tubby Toast. That stuff is supposed to slow down your metabolism a ton, and it, like, temporarily shrinks your stomach or some *potato*, and you don’t pee for, like, months at a time. It’s fricked up, man. When did you stop eating the Tubby Toast?”

“That was early in August, I think,” said Tyler.

“Thank fricking God. You guys are gonna have a crap ton of diarrhea around January- just a heads up. And you shouldn’t get hungry until- well, the stomach thing lasts for around four months, so you guys will need food soon. It’s not healthy or ethical at all, but around here, it’s either Tubby Toast or human flesh. If you don’t want to starve to death, we’ll need to stop and pick some up before finding Mikey and Patrick.”

“Alright,” Gerard said. “Where do we get it?”

“It’s just a little farther,” Brendon said. 

Gerard nodded. “So, what exactly happened to Patrick and Mikey, then? Why didn’t it happen to us?”

“Ah,” Brendon said with a sigh. “Yeah, they- I mean, their goal was to- well, I don’t know what it was, really, but to reach it, they had to kill off a bunch of people. To do that, they were possessing stuff, right? Yeah, well, what they did was, like, they couldn’t possess just anybody. They could only do it if someone was vulnerable enough. They had to break the person, you know? Patrick was pretty physically broken, and Mikey- well, that whole Teletubby thing was probably pretty bad, and if that wasn’t enough, I think seeing Frank die really put him over the edge. Ryan was always a little broken, I think. Ever since I met him… he had a messed up childhood, that kid. God, I miss him. They’re trying to get you all, too. You gotta do something for me, alright? Don’t let ‘em break you. Once they break you, you’re not you anymore. They’ll take over, and you’ll just be a vessel. Oh, here we are.”

Brendon had stopped in front of a safe. God dang it, this place was full of safes. Josh remembered the safe-like room back at DJ Lance Rock’s house, where dead bodies were kept. He only hoped this warehouse didn’t have any corpse-safes.

Brendon opened the door and placed a finger to his lips. He poked his head inside and then beckoned for them all to follow.

Josh gasped. The room was covered in stacks upon stacks of Tubby Toast. 

“Alright,” Brendon said. “Everybody takes one, okay? More than one won’t hurt you, but you’ll have mega diarrhea when the effects wear off. Trust me, it’s not fun.”

Josh nodded. Tyler knelt down and picked up two pieces, handing one to Josh. Josh broke off a piece of his and stuck it in his mouth, chewing through the cardboard-like substance. This *potato* was nasty, but Josh listened to Brendon and ate the piece anyway.

“Right,” Brendon said when they’d all finished. “Let’s-“

Suddenly, two figures hopped out of the shadows and began shrieking. 

“Shut the frick up!” Brendon screamed. The figures silenced themselves. Tyler crept closer, and Josh could see that their faces were coated in tears and dust. Their faces were the faces of Mikey Way and Patrick Stump.

“Get out,” Brendon whispered. “Fricking frick, get the *potato* out right now. You hear?” He mumbled something Josh couldn’t understand, and then, Mikey and Patrick collapsed to the ground.

“Frick,” Mikey whispered.

Gerard ran over and helped him up. “You okay, man?”

“Yeah,” Mikey said. “You?”

“I’m fine. We’re all fine. Well- Josh is pretty much *potato*ed, but the rest of us are fine.”

“Gabe,” Mikey said to Brendon, “I thought you were dead! Thank you so much, I-“

Brendon cleared his throat. “I’m actually not Gabe,” he said. “Gabe’s still dead. I’m just… trapped in his body, y’know?”

“So who the frick are you, then?”

“Brendon Urie.”

“Oh, alright. Pete Wentz would approve of you, too. I can dig it.” 

Brendon nodded. “Right, well, we gotta get the frick out of this place-“

The door of the safe slowly opened with a loud creak. A figure poked his head through the door and grinned. “They’re in here!” the figure screamed. A fire alarm began blaring loudly, and Josh was so startled that he fell off of Tyler’s shoulders, his leg slamming onto the concrete floor. Frick, that hurt. 

“Josh!” Tyler shouted. “Josh, get behind me!”

Josh still had three quarters of his mangled leg, so he managed to crawl over to Tyler. Just as he reached him, a pair of hands gripped his shoulders and yanked him backwards. “Tyler!” he screamed.

Tyler lunged for Josh, but someone shot him in the side with what looked like a dart. Tyler fell over instantly. 

A tranquilizer dart? *potato*! Josh turned around, and sure enough, Guy Fieri was dragging him out of the safe. Josh struggled against Guy’s grip, but years of eating hamburgers had provided Guy with muscles that were too big of a match for Josh’s. Guy stopped and wrestled a blindfold over Josh. Then, he snapped a collar onto his neck and began dragging him across the floor. 

Josh heard nothing but the pounding of running footsteps around him. He saw nothing but blackness. People were trampling him, and it was too noisy and dark, and-

“Joshy-Woshy! Joshy-Woshy! Joshy-Woshy!”

Josh began panicking. No, no, not again- frick- 

“Joshy-Woshy, Joshy-Woshy, Joshy-Woshy!”

Josh shook his head and tried to cover his ears, but their voices echoed in his head. Joshy-Woshy. Joshy-Woshy. Joshy-Woshy.

Joshy-Woshy smiled to himself and closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for any of those fake fans out there who don't know how to say it, "fieri" is pronounced, "fee-air-ee." i recently heard my foods and nutrition teacher say it like, "fire-eye."
> 
> frick. guys, y'all gotta raise awareness for this stuff. FEE-AIR-EE. NOT FIRE-EYE. NOT FIRE-EE. THE ONLY FIRES IN GUY FIERI ARE THE FLAMES ON HIS SHIRT. 
> 
> *is low-key still stuck in the five-year-long food network phase*


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so, josh has been brainwashed fricking again, and lucifer, aka ruler, is all like, 'brooo, he's not dead on the inside yet," and paula deen's like, "fight me, fricknugget," and she's fricking mean to josh, and josh gets sad, and then lucifer's like, "brooo, he's dead on the inside! we can possess him or some crap! ye," and josh is like, "frick," but he still thinks he's joshy-woshy, and then he's like, "hold the frick up, fRICK, I'M JOSH FRICKING DUN, AND I AM FRICKING IN LOVE WITH TYLER JOSEPH"
> 
> i'm so tired
> 
> frick

“Good morning, Joshy-Woshy!”

Joshy-Woshy groaned and opened his eyes. “Huh?”

Paula Deen (who was wearing the skin of Salad Fingers) walked to where Joshy-Woshy could see her. She laughed. “Mornin’, Joshy, sleepyhead!”

Joshy-Woshy frowned. “How’d I get here?”

“Oh, you ran away with some naughty people. You’re back, though.”

Kim Jong-Un stepped into view and smiled. “That’s right,” he said. “Welcome home, Joshy-Woshy.”

Joshy-Woshy smiled. “Thank you,” he said shyly.

Joshy-Woshy looked down and saw that he was wearing his Suit again. “My Suit,” he murmured.

“Yes! Those naughty children cut off your leg, but the Suit still fits over it. Shia put a prosthetic on it, so you can still walk. You’ll notice that your hands are immobile. That’s so you don’t run away again! Silly Joshy-Woshy won’t be naughty again, will he?”

Joshy-Woshy shook his head. “No, Kim. Not again. I’ll be good.”

“Wonderful. Now, we’ve got a busy day, so why don’t you come follow us to go receive your Orders?”

Joshy-Woshy stood up and followed Paula and Kim. It was hard to walk with only one leg, but he managed. These people had Saved him. He could care less about his body! 

As they walked, they passed an open doorway. Muffled grunting noises came from inside it. 

“What is that?” Joshy-Woshy asked.

“Oh,” Paula said. “That’s where Guy Fieri went. He was supposed to help us bring you Home, but instead, he betrayed us! What a naughty man! Would you like to go tell him how naughty he is?”

Joshy-Woshy nodded. Of course he would. Kim opened up the door. “Fieri,” he said. “Joshy has something to tell you.”

Guy Fieri stared at Joshy-Woshy, his eyes wide. 

“I- um- you did wrong things,” Joshy-Woshy said. “Yes. Yes, you did. You are a naughty man who deserves to be Punished.”

“No,” Guy whispered. “Josh! Josh! They’re messing with your head; you have to listen to me! You’re not Joshy-Woshy-“

Paula slammed the door shut and pulled Joshy-Woshy along the hallway. “He’s a silly man,” she said. “Don’t listen to him.” She turned her head to Kim and tossed him a handgun. “Now,” she barked.

“Are you- is he going to die?” Joshy-Woshy asked Paula as she rushed him down the corridor. Why had that man looked so scared? Why had they locked him up? Shouldn’t Guy Fieri have gotten a second chance, like Joshy-Woshy had?

“Yes,” Paula said. “He was naughty, and he needs to be Punished. That man was trying to tell you lies.”

“Oh,” Joshy-Woshy said. He was still a bit unsettled, but today was a busy day, so he had no time to think more on it.

Soon, they reached a throne room. Someone was sitting on a throne, their back to Joshy-Woshy and Paula. “Ruler!” Paula said, “I bring forth The One. We have secured him at last.”

“Have we?” 

“Yes, Ruler. He’s been Changed.”

“Is that so, Paula?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, Ruler, you mean.”

“Yes, Ruler. Sorry, Ruler.”

Ruler sighed, still not facing Joshy-Woshy. “I don’t know if he’s been fully Changed,” he said. “I’d sense it if he had. I think he needs more. He’s not ready yet.”

Joshy-Woshy tugged on Paula’s sleeve. “What’s he talking about?” he whispered.

Paula ignored Joshy-Woshy. “Ruler, sir, you must be mistaken! We’ve been working on this since March two years ago! I’ve put two and a half years of sweat, labor, and grease into-“

“You? Hmm. Paula, if I remember correctly, you ran away from Us and weren’t found until last September, when we found Mr. Fieri. You’ve only worked with us on this for three months.”

“Well- well, yes, but he’s Ready, sir! I’ve worked so hard, Ruler; I’ve worked harder than all the rest, and we’ve finally obtained him, and-“

“Paula,” Ruler growled, “that’s enough. He is not yet Ready to fulfill my plans. He’s not Broken yet.”

Paula sighed. “As you wish, Ruler,” she said. She led Joshy-Woshy out of the room and placed her hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look directly into her eyes.

“You’re a *potato*ing faggot, Joshy-Woshy. You’re a whore, a slut, and a thirst son of a *potato*. You are nothing. You are worthless. You thought you had friends. You were wrong. I am your friend now. Ruler is your friend. Everyone you previously knew hated you. I should hate you, too, but I don’t. I show you mercy. I know that you’re a sinning freak, but I forgive you. You used to be a slutty, whiny *potato*. Are you still a slut? Yeah, you are. We’re the only ones who can help that, Joshy-Woshy. You should be *potato*ing thankful for us.”

Joshy-Woshy gasped. How could Paula be so rude? She wasn’t naughty, of course. She was only telling the truth. Still, though, it hurt. It was true. That’s why it hurt so badly. Joshy-Woshy was a freak. Joshy-Woshy was a freak. Joshy-Woshy was a freak. He didn’t deserve to live. He was nothing more than a collection of dust and atoms. Joshy-Woshy was worthless. He fell on his knees and began to cry.

“Are you looking for some *potato* to suck, Joshy-Woshy? You’re such a thirsty slut. You’re so greedy. Why can’t you ever be thankful for what you have? You’re an ungrateful waste of space, Joshy-Woshy-“

Suddenly, Ruler ran through the door. “He’s Broken!” Ruler screamed. “I felt it! He’s Broken!”

Joshy-Woshy sobbed harder. He wasn’t supposed to Break. He remembered that. 

People were screaming and cheering, cheering at Joshy-Woshy’s sorrows and pain- he didn’t like it. He felt so sad, so awful, so empty. He wanted it to be over. He wanted- he wanted- who did he want?

He wanted the man with the marks on his arms and the beanie he always wore and the man who always knew how to make him feel happy and the man who loved him and the man who was nice to him and ate burritos with him and sang with him and danced with him and screamed with him when they had nothing and yet everything to scream at and he wanted the man who- 

Josh gasped. He knew who he wanted. Josh Dun wanted Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's almost over
> 
> ye


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> huge chase scene, wow, such fun
> 
> there's gonna be a huge battle soon
> 
> i'm getting sad because this really almost is over and
> 
> idk
> 
> at first, it was just a joke, but now, it's kind of growing on me
> 
> dang *a bear in the distance wipes a tear off of its cheek*

More and more things were crashing through the ceiling, flooding the room with light and blood of all of the people in this awful cannibalistic cult. Josh remembered. Josh remembered. “Tyler!” he shrieked. “Tyler!” He jumped up and started running back down the hallway. The others followed, but Josh was fast. 

Josh tried to grasp the situation. Think logically. 

Problems: he was trapped in a Teletubby suit, he was missing the bottom part of his leg, he didn’t know where he was, and he was being chased by some sort of cannibalistic cult.

Okay, Josh could handle this. He was running fine in the suit, so he’d keep that on and worry about it later. He’d probably find an exit soon enough. As for the cannibalistic cult, well, he didn’t even know that much about it. There were several people in it, including, if he remembered correctly, Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, Paula Deen, DJ Lance Rock (but he’d been eaten by Paula several months ago), Shia LaBeouf, Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus (who Nicki Minaj had killed), and Ruler. 

Who was Ruler, anyway?

He sounded like the man Josh had seen when he was dreaming that one ti- CRAP. RULER WAS FRICKING LUCIFER.

Josh groaned and ran faster. Fricking Lucifer and his army were chasing him! Frick! 

“You can’t run forever, Joshy-Woshy!” he heard Kim Kardashian scream. 

Josh looked over his shoulder and grinned. “It’s Josh, actually!” he yelled back before flipping them off. 

Josh tried to think of where he was. He turned down a corridor. Maybe he was still in the warehouse, underneath all the grass. Wait! Frick. This was insane. He’d started out in that dressing room with Tyler at the concert venue, then at the Teletubby place in Skofield Park, California. They’d gone South to the church, then South again, and then, they got on Green Day’s tour bus, and they went North-East. It was possible that Paula Deen’s cabin, with the warehouse, was inside of Death Valley National Park. 

Wait! The warehouse was underground! 

What if this warehouse was connected to the Teletubby place through tunnels? What if Josh was back in the Teletubby place? Fricking frick. He turned another corner. 

Suddenly, Josh saw a door. He threw it open and ran out- and into the Teletubby land. Frick.

Josh hated being right.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wOW

Josh looked behind him. The cult hadn’t turned down the hallway yet, so if he hid now, he might be able to hide. He had nothing more to lose, right? 

Josh ran over to a tree and hid behind it. Then, the sun came up across the projected ceiling. Music started playing. A new voice, not DJ’s, began to speak.

“Over the hills and far away, Teletubbies come to play. One!”

“One,” came another new voice.

“Two!”

“Two,” came another voice.

“Three!”

“Three,” came yet another voice.

“Four!”

“Uh- yeah, Four,” came another voice.

Josh peeked out from the tree. These four were dressed in the suits, like he, Tyler, and My Chemical Romance had been. Their suits were green, purple, red, and yellow. They ran up a hill while the speakers emerged from the ground. “TIME FOR TELETUBBIES. TIME FOR TELETUBBIES. TIME FOR TELETUBBIES. TIME FOR TELETUBBIES.”

Josh listened intently. Now, he’d be able to find out who these ones were.

“Andy-Wandy!”

“Andy- Andy-Wandy!”

“Ricky!”

“Ricky?”

“Vic-Vic!”

“Frick-frick!”

“TEN DAYS WITHOUT FOOD TO VIC-VIC. VIC-VIC WILL BOTTOM TONIGHT. Vic-Vic!”

“Wait, what? I- yeah, Vic-Vic! Fricking-”

“Nate!”

“N- Nate.”

They began running around. Josh sighed. Whoever Vic-Vic was, they’d just messed up big time. These people were probably rookies. Poor things. 

He had to admit, though, Vic-Vic calling themselves, “Frick-Frick,” was kind of funny. At least these ones hadn’t lost their senses of humor-

“Who the frick-frack-snick-snack are you?”

Josh looked up and saw Vic-Vic. “Shush,” he said. “Tonight, when he calls you up to do it, I’ll explain. Don’t mouth off to him anymore if you know what’s good for you. I’m going to get you all out of here.”

Vic-Vic nodded. “Oh, sure you will,” they said with snort before running back to the hill.

“Say, ‘Hello!’”

“Hello!” they all chorused.

Vic-Vic then chest-bumped Nate, and Andy-Wandy chest-bumped Ricky. 

Josh saw them finish the routine and climb down the hole, and then, he caught a better glimpse of the man controlling it this time.

The man was John Cena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys
> 
> let's have a contest
> 
> in the comments, put who you think the new teletubbies are, and put the name of one dead character who you think should be brought back to life
> 
> whoever guesses right will have the character they wrote on their comment be brought back
> 
> fun stuff


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS. YOU FRICKING GUYS. THERE'S A SCREEN ON MY CHEST REACHED A THOUSAND HITS. FRICKING FRICK. GO READ THE CHAPTER THIRTEEN LIMERICK EDITION IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. HOLY GUACAMOLE.
> 
> NAVY BEAN SAID GOOD JOB, AND QUEEMO HISTORIAN SAID GOOD JOB, AND LESBIAN NOODLE SAID 'WOOO' AND TINY PINK BABY SENT FOUR HEART EMOJIS AND. I'M STILL SCREAMING INSIDE.
> 
> minecraftwarcat was the only person who guessed who the people were, and they got it wrong, but they still had the best guess by default, so i'll bring dallon weekes back soon. thank for your participation, minecraftwarcat. you da real mvp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god
> 
> while i was writing this, a song came on, and it was from some album called "still got legs" and i just
> 
> also, there's a kid named josh in my math class, and some kids called him "joshy-woshy" today and i chOKED on my spit

Josh stood as rigid as an erection while John Cena walked back to the house. That was the same house where Josh was assaulted. He didn’t know who “Vic-Vic” was, but he knew he wouldn’t let them be assaulted like he was. He would get the four away, and they’d find Tyler, Gerard, Brendon, Patrick, and Mikey, and they’d all defeat Lucifer and his cannibal cult and then maybe go out for burritos or something.

Once John was inside, Josh decided to take off his suit. His hands were stuck to his sides, so that wouldn’t work. He took his one foot and used it to pin the triangle on top of his head to the tree, and then, he turned his body a bit until the suit popped open. Josh shook the suit off and sighed in relief when he realized that this time, they had left his clothes on. Thank fricking God.

Attached to his leg-stump was a large cucumber. How he’d managed to run with a cucumber for a leg, Josh didn’t know. He took it off. How was he going to help the four new people escape if he couldn’t even walk? Josh sighed. He’d better get a head start. He knelt on the ground with his stump in the air and his other leg, along with his arms, on the ground. He began crawling over to the trap-door.

Once he reached it, he hid behind a tree. How long would it be before John Cena would call them up? DJ had waited several hours, usually-

“TELETUBBIES, COME TO PLAY!”

 _Oh,_ Josh thought. Apparently, John Cena liked doing things a bit faster.

The four Teletubbies slowly crawled out of the hole. Josh noticed that Andy-Wandy, Ricky, and Nate were all crowding around Vic-Vic.

“Today,” John Cena said, “we will-“

Josh jumped out from behind the tree and began crawling towards John as fast as possible. He must have looked rather horrific, with blood oozing from his stump of a leg while he crawled at lightning speeds towards his enemy.

John Cena screamed. “I can’t look at blood!” he screeched, “If I do, I-“ John Cena collapsed to the ground.

Josh glanced up at Andy-Wandy, Ricky, Nate, and Vic-Vic. “You guys okay?” he panted.

“Are you that weird one Vic-Vic told us about? The one who said he’d rescue us, or whatever?” Andy-Wandy asked.

Josh nodded. “Yeah,” he said.

“And how do you plan on doing that with only one leg?”

“I don’t know,” Josh said with a sigh. “Didn’t think I’d make it this far, to be honest.”

Vic-Vic pushed past Andy-Wandy and knelt down by Josh.

“Don’t take it personally, kid,” Vic-Vic said. “It’s just that we thought you’d be more… you know. Not maimed.”

Josh nodded.

“So, can you help us get our suits off, then, if you did yours already?”

“Yeah,” Josh said. “You just, uh. Twist the shapes at the tops.”

“The shapes? The fricking shapes? Eric! Eric, I was *potato*ing right! Frick!” Vic-Vic said triumphantly.

They all twisted their shapes, and their suits came off.

Josh furrowed his brow. They looked familiar.

“Wait!” Vic-Vic screamed. “You’re Josh Dun!”

“Yeah,” Josh said. “Who are you guys?”

“I’m Victoria Asher, and ‘Nate’ is Nate Novarro, and ‘Ricky’ is Eric Halvorsen, and ‘Andy-Wandy’ is Andy Barr,” said Vic-Vic- well, Victoria, apparently.

“I- I’m sorry, the names ring a bell, but I don’t know if I know where they’re from.”

Nate huffed. “Cobra Starship, mother-*potato*er. Ring a bell now?”

Josh gasped. “Oh, my God!” he screamed. His eyes grew wet. “Crap!  I thought- Gabe made it sound like you all were dead-”

“What?  No, they didn't kill us.  They knocked us out, I mean, so maybe Gabe thought we were dead.  I don't know.  Have you seen him?  Is he doing okay?” Eric asked. “He said he was gonna find you all-“

Josh shook his head. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “Frick.”

“What the *potato* do you mean?” Victoria asked.

Josh bit his lip.  "Well," he said as he began recounting Gabe Saporta's death:

 

_All of a sudden, Gabe Saporta burst in with Mikey Way._

_“Enough!” Gabe shouted, shaking with rage. “You’ve gotten Victoria. You've gotten Nate. You've gotten Eric. You've gotten Andy. You've gotten anything and everything I ever cared about- except Mikey, I mean. You- you even got the ham. I told you not to get the ham, Shia! Don't get the ham! Shia LaBeouf, I've had enough! No more of your stupid games! No more-”_

_Shia released Patrick and shot Gabe Saporta in the stomach. Gabe fell to the ground, and everyone ran forward. Mikey fell to his knees, sobbing. “Gabe,” he whispered, “don’t die, please, don’t die-“_

_Gabe grabbed Mikey’s hand and squeezed it._

_“Mmmm, whatcha say?” Gabe began singing. “Mmm, that you only meant-“ he paused and erupted into a coughing fit._

_“Gabe-“_

_“That you only meant well? Well, of course you did. Mmm, whatcha- whatcha say?” A tear trickled down Gabe’s cheek._

_“That it’s all for the best? Because-“ Gabe fell silent, unable to finish._

_“Because it is,” Mikey sang softly. Gabe smiled weakly. "No viva la cobra," he whispered. "Viva la Kobra... Kid." His eyes fluttered shut. Gabe Saporta was dead._

 

Victoria clapped her hand over her mouth.  "Are you fricking telling me the last thing he ever sang was Never Gonna Give You Up?"

Josh nodded.

"Holy *potato*," she whispered as she shook.  She was crying- wait, no, Victoria was fricking laughing!  "That was *potato*ing great, Gabey-Babey!" she screamed.

Josh nodded.  "Yeah," he said.  "Also, uh, I think now might be a good time to mention that Lucifer and his cannibal cult are currently hunting us all down."

Eric gasped.  "Those little frickers!" he said.  "Well, they'll be no match for us.  Power through, guys!  WHAT WOULD SHIA SAY?"

"JUST DO IT!" all of them screamed.  

"Uh," Josh said, "Shia's in the cult, you know."

They all stared at Josh like someone staring into a camera on The Office.  "Don't ruin it," Nate said.  

"Sorry."

"Anyway, we'll fricking cRUSH them!  We'll destroy them!  We will BITE them with our figurative venom, and they will feel the wrath of the Cobras for ETERNITY," Eric said.

"*potato* yeah," Victoria said.  "We'll do it for Gabe!"

"For Gabe!" they all echoed.  

Victoria grabbed Josh and put him on top of her shoulders.  "Weapons, Josh," she said.  "Where are the weapons?"

"There are a bunch of corpses and a deep-fryer in the house-"

"Perfect."

Once they'd all stocked up on 'weapons' that were actually just fire-pokers and butter-knives, Josh and Cobra Starship emerged from the house.

Josh thought he could see some people in the distance.  He squinted.

"Guys," he said, "they're coming, I think."

Nate squinted.  "Yeah," he said.  "That's probably them."

The people began running at them.  Josh saw them holding torches and pitchforks.

"Let the games begin," Victoria whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my feet are cold


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Navy Bean helped again, with the whole putting peter and jesus and raining food in here
> 
> honestly that dude should do improv or something because they're gr9 at all these questions i've been throwing at them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nghajfnsdandsnnhngnfnnfhnnnnnnnngggggggghhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> like
> 
> literally. literally one chapter left.
> 
> bro

“We need a war chant!” Andy said. 

“¡VIVA LA COBRA! ¡VIVA LA COBRA!” Victoria began screaming. Everyone else joined in. Josh did, too. 

“¡VIVA LA COBRA! ¡VIVA LA COBRA! ¡VIVA LA COBRA! ¡VIVA LA COBRA!”

“¡ESTE ES UN GUERRA, Y LOS COBRAS GANAN!”

They began running towards Lucifer and his cult. Josh could see Tyler, Gerard, Mikey, Patrick, and Brendon all tied together to the left of the cult. “Victoria,” he said, pointing. She stopped screaming to pick him off of her shoulders and literally throw him over by them.

Josh crawled over to Tyler and the others. He began untying them, starting with Tyler.

“What’s going on, Josh? What are they doing?”

“Well, it’s- basically, the other members of Cobra Starship weren’t ever dead, and they’d just been kidnapped and forced into the suits, like we all were. Once the cult, uh, kidnapped me again, they shoved me back in my suit and introduced me to their boss, Ruler or whatever, who’s actually Lucifer, by the way-“

“Lucifer? Josh-“

“Yeah, Lucifer, and they all were chasing me, so I ran out of a door, and I was here. Then, John Cena showed up, and I guess he’d replaced DJ, and he had new Teletubbies: Victoria, Andy, Nate, and Eric. I waited until the night routine, and then, I crawled over, and John Cena fainted because of all the blood, and then, I helped them all get out of the suits, and we went to the house to get them some weapons. After that, well- I mean, this happened.”

“Do they know about Gabe?”

“Yeah. They weren’t too upset, though. I think it just made them want to fight more,” Josh said, finishing untying everyone. He held his arms up to Tyler. “Help?”

Tyler picked Josh up and put him on his back. 

“What should we do, Josh?” Gerard asked. “Your call.”

“Your mom.”

Brendon made a sputtering noise. “What?”

“Uh- we should go find Victoria, Nate, Eric, and Andy.”

Tyler nodded and began running towards everyone, with the others following behind. They entered the mass of fighting and began running all over the place. “We’re gonna be outnumbered,” Tyler said. “We need- dang, everyone’s dead, basically-“

Josh didn’t hear what Tyler said next. Someone grabbed him and pulled him over to Lucifer, who grabbed him by his neck and pressed a spoon to his neck. “Everybody freeze!” he screamed.

Everyone froze and stared at Lucifer. “Josh!” Tyler shouted.

“Put down your weapons. Everyone. Put down all the weapons, or I will end him.”

Tyler gasped. He hesitated before kneeling down and setting down the rock he’d been hitting people with. Everyone else followed suit. Paula Deen shrugged and then put her knife on the ground, too.

“Not you, Paula,” Lucifer hissed. “That’s missing the point of holding a hostage!”

Paula nodded and grabbed her knife again. 

“Alright,” Lucifer said, “now, I want you all to get on the ground.”

Everyone got on the ground.

“Now, I’d like you all to sit quietly while I kill your friend. Thank you for your time.”

Tyler jumped up. “No!” he screamed. “No, no, God, no-“

All of a sudden, there was a huge burst of lightning. Bodies began raining from the sky, along with- were those fish?

Yes, they were! Fish were falling from the sky! 

Everyone froze, and a collective gasp was heard from the cult. Lucifer dropped Josh, fell to his knees, and began screaming.

“I’M VEGAN!” he shouted. “TOO MANY FISH!”

The fish rained down upon him relentlessly. Josh looked around and saw Dallon Weekes fall right next to Brendon. Then, Ryan Ross fell on top of him. After Ryan came Jon Walker, Joe Trohman, Andy Hurley, Pete Wentz, Spencer Smith, Billie Joe Armstrong, Tr_ Cool, Mike Dirnt, Ray Toro, and Frank Iero. Brendon Urie’s body also fell down, and then, Brendon’s soul went back into it, and Gabe Saporta’s soul went back into his no-longer deep-fried body. Josh’s leg grew back, as did both of Patrick’s hands.

“Why?” Lucifer whispered, curling into a ball. “WHY?”

Fish began covering up the cult members. All of them except Lucifer were buried in fish. 

Then, there was a huge burst of light, and once it cleared, Jesus, Peter, Uriel, Gabriel, Raphael, Michael, Raguel, Remiel and Saraqael were standing between Lucifer and Josh and the others.

“Lucifer,” Jesus said, throwing his hands in the air, “why the *potato* are you holding Josh Dun hostage?”

“You told me to get Josh Dun! And why the heck are you making it rain fricking fish on top of me? I'm fricking vegan, Jesus! Fricking frick-“

Jesus shook his head. “Lucifer, I fricking did not tell you to get Josh Dun!” he screamed.

“Then what’d you tell me to fricking get? Huh?”

“I TOLD YOU TO GET FRICKING SOFT BUNS. ROLLS THAT WEREN’T HARD. SOFT. BUNS.”

“Well, you could have fricking made it clear! I couldn’t understand you!”

“Exactly! You never fricking understand any-fricking-thing, Luci! Frickin frick, I- I hate you so much- I-“

“I hate you, too,” Lucifer panted as he pulled Jesus down and began making out with him. Josh gasped. Such porn. Many innocence lost. 

Peter clapped excitedly and pulled down Lucifer’s and Jesus’ pants, and he stuck one of his hands in each of their buttholes.

Uriel groaned. “Not again,” he whispered. “Hey, anyone who’s not dead or a celestial being, y’all want some help getting out of-“

Uriel was interrupted by a loud trumpet blast. Everyone turned to see Michael masturbating with the small end of a trumpet. Gabriel squealed and ran over to help him. “Me, too!” screamed Raphael. Within ten seconds, every archangel except for Uriel was having an orgy with Michael and the trumpet. 

Holy Fuck- literally.

Uriel coughed. “Frick,” he muttered, going red in the face. “I- I never meant for that to happen- oh, frick. Let’s just go, yeah? Get you all out of here, and if you guys don’t question any of this, we’ll all be good? You know? Like- just forget any of this stuff ever happened, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Tyler said.

"Wait," Brendon said. "Do you- do you know whatever happened to Pepe the Frog?"

"What happened to Pepe the Frog? Oh, hon, Pepe was just a vessel for Luci. Pepe's right there, making out with the Son of God and being fisted by a disciple. Don't question it, bro," Uriel said before he grabbed onto all of them because apparently he had freakishly long arms now. Then, they were in front of a pizza place. “Lucifer’s Pizza,” read the sign.

“It’s- it’s not really Lucifer,” Uriel said, scratching at his neck awkwardly. “It’s just, uh. Pizza. And I- like, I mean- to say sorry, I guess, uh, I- I don’t know.” He handed them a gift card to the place. “I- I’m gonna go now, I think. Uh. Bye. Sorry about all that stuff that, uh, happened. Won’t happen again. Also, quit fricking going to church and chanting stuff, ‘cause I mean, that’s kind of creepy. Yeah. Bye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *breathes heavily*
> 
> you guys i'm gonna post a bunch of little fics explaining stuff from here i think
> 
> how would y'all feel bout an archangel orgy oneshot
> 
> :')


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ohmygod

Once they’d all eaten pizza, thanks to the archangels, everyone went outside. There was a payphone, so Green Day called their tour bus and left with My Chemical Romance, who'd changed their minds about reforming the band, so Mikey could emotionally recover. Cobra Starship had decided to stay in Teletubby land and start reproducing the Teletubbies series themselves, using themselves as the actors. They'd have to end the band, but they sounded really passionate about their new acting and producing careers. Tyler and Josh had called Jenna to come pick them, Brendon, Ryan, Jon, Dallon, and Spencer up, but she was a couple hours away, so they had to wait a while.

Josh and Tyler sat on the curb while the others giggled and made dirty jokes.

“We’re out,” Josh said.

Tyler nodded. “Yeah.”

“So,” Josh asked, “with you and me, and you and Jenna, and all-“

“I don’t know, man.”

Josh took a deep breath and looked at Tyler. “Tyler,” he said, “there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“Remember when I was dating Debby, but I broke up with her?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“It- it was because I just- I don’t know. The whole love-thing made me uncomfy? I guess? And then I thought I was asexual, and- I don’t know, man. I think- I- maybe I’m aromantic?”

Tyler nodded. “So, uh, you’re not into this? Between us?”

Josh chewed on his lip a bit. “No, not really,” he said. “I- I like you, a lot, but- not in a boyfriend way, I guess.”

Tyler grinned and hugged Josh. “That’s fine, man,” he said. “We can still eat burritos and stuff. Platonically. I mean, things between Jenna and I will be way less awkward, too, I guess. You- maybe don’t tell her about the sort-of-boyfriends thing, yeah?”

Josh nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Thank you, uh, for understanding.”

“Of course,” Tyler said. “I’ll always understand you, bro.”

“Thanks,” Josh said. 

They stood in silence for a while before Brendon walked over. “Guys,” he said, “I was talking to everyone else- they don’t wanna do Panic!, but they still wanna be friends, right? So, I was like, ‘oh, okay.’ Then, I got this great idea!”

Josh nodded. “What is it, Brendon?”

“I think I might release an album based on some of this stuff. I’m gonna call it Death Of A Bachelor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys wait for the next chapter i'm still laughing over it
> 
> you guys will either hate me or love me ohm y god


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to thank you all for coming along on this over four month long journey with me. along the way, i thin we've all learned some very important lessons and things abut ourselves in general. :') i'm sad to see this end, but i believe it cannot be milked any further. in the end, It's Hard To Tell The Difference Between Blood And Water These Days was never a series.
> 
> it was an idea.
> 
> a very strange idea that's probably going to land be in Hell someday ngl i need more jesus hhhhhh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "but i believe it cannot be milked further"
> 
> oh god 
> 
> i'm

_"'. . . I'm gonna call it Death Of A Bachelor.'  So, they all went to their homes, and Brendon wrote the album."_

 

"That's how it happened, huh?  That's how Death Of A Bachelor was inspired, Josh?" the interviewer asked.

 

I nodded.

 

"Yeah," Tyler said.  "That's one hundred percent true.  Everything happened, and that's how Panic! At The Disco- well, Brendon- was inspired to write his new album."

 

"Brendon, can you confirm this?" the interviewer asked.  I could tell she was desperately trying not to laugh.

 

Brendon laughed.  "Yes, definitely," he said.  "Josh covered it perfectly.  I definitely did have an affair with Pepe The Frog, and I most certainly possessed Gabe Saporta's body for several months."

 

The interviewer nodded.  She looked into the camera and grinned.  "Well, there you have it, Panic! At The Disco fans.  According to Twenty One Pilots, that was the story of how Panic! At The Disco's new album was inspired.  Good night, America."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END, MOTHER FRICKERS. THE WHOLE SERIES WAS JUST JOSH DUN TELLING AN INTERVIEWER HOW DEATH OF A BACHELOR WAS INSPIRED. OH GOD. IT WASN'T REAL. NONE OF IT.
> 
> I'M GONNA POST MORE LITTLE THINGS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE AFTERLIFE WHEN PEOPLE WERE DEAD, WHAT HAPPENED WITH COBRA STARSHIP, ETCETERA IN THIS SERIES THING, SO SUBSCRIBE TO THE SERIES OR JUST TO ME IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT
> 
> THANK YOU ALL, AND GOOD NIGHT


End file.
